Humor
Sexy and She Cooks!
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."
I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He sobbed, "I can´t remember where I live!"
And Don't You Forget It!
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. . .
"You don´t have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!" Of course, the husband takes the doctor´s advice.
He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife´s face, and growls, "From now on, you´re taking orders from me! I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I´m going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing;...guess who´s going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie. .???"
His wife says calmly, "The undertaker. . . !"
It´s the horse´s ass´s fault,...
Does the statement, "We´ve always done it that way" ring any bells ? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That´s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that´s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that´s the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, in some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that´s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse´s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big boosters attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses´ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world´s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse´s ass......................and you thought being a HORSE´S ASS wasn´t important!
Personals
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida
and Arizona newspapers:
(Who sez seniors don´t have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80´s, slim,5´-4" (used to be 5-6), searching
for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching
white shoes and belt a plus.LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who
has just buried fourth husband looking for someone
to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you
are the silent type, let´s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with
original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a
groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let´s get
together and listen to my boss collection of
eight-track tapes.MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday
through Thursday. If you can remember Friday,
Saturday and Sunday, let´s put our two heads
together.MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage,
good condition, some hair, many new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn´t in running condition,
but walks well.
My Favorite Things
(Senior Edition)
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.Cadillac´s, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things.
And then I don´t feel so bad.Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin´,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin´,
More of the pleasures advancing age brings
When we remember our favorite things.When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim
I simply remember the great life I´ve had,
And then I don´t feel . . . so bad.
Author Unknown
ID:
Some senior citizens were sitting around talking about their various ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can´t even SEE my coffee," replied another.
"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore," said one in the loudest voice of the group.
"I can´t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third — to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.
"I can´t even remember what I´m doing half the time; if I don´t make myself a note I forget what I am trying to do in the first place," chimed in yet another.
"I guess that´s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it´s not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
The Perks of Being Over 50
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- You can live without breakfast but not without glasses.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- You can't remember who sent you this list.
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few...
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm there after.
Very good thoughts to live by
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat a chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
t will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eata chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Why do the Women Keep Picking on Us?
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
Truth
- Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
- There´s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don´t hurt.
- When I´m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor´s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- If you can´t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- A penny saved is a government oversight.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat are really good friends.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven´t met everybody.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- The sole purpose of a child´s middle name is so he can tell when he´s really in trouble.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth! "Don´t take life so seriously....´cause you´ll never get out alive"
