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whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• Anne Rahamout tells about her favourite kitchen utensil
• Estelle sends this tale of a nagging wife and a mule
• Miriam Ockenden´s story is about a man who changed his mind
• A woman explains the meaning of various words women use
• Jack Peaker forwards a story of a communal picnic
• Bruce Galway´s story is about a helpful wife
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends a tale of a "typical"
• Scotsman Don Henderson explains one method for hunting bears
• Barbara Wear forwards some prize-winning wildlife photos
• Howard Hughes, Jay, Tom Telfer, and Tom Williamson suggest sites

Anne Rahamut becomes nostalgic when talking about

MY POTATO PEELER

I grew up with my mother´s potato peeler.

"Anne," my mother would say, "please peel the potatoes for dinner." So I would get the peeler from the kitchen drawer and do the task.

When I grew up and had my own place - at that time I would scarcely have called it my own home - I bought a peeler just like my mother´s. How many other items in my present home are just like the items my mother used! My mother used SuperHealth pots, she had a pressure cooker, a potato ricer, a conical apple sauce press with its own wooden pestle, and a cloth fruit juice dripper for jelly preparation. Me too! I even have my grandmother´s triple blade rocking chopping knives.

My mother´s peeler was English. It had a double blade at the far end that swiveled a bit to and fro, and it had a bean stringer at the near end that no one ever used. It was easy to use and never wore out. I bought the same peeler for myself.

Forty years - yes, forty years - after I bought my own peeler, I must have thrown it out with the recyclables. You can see the scene: a pile of peelings on the counter, swept as one into the recycling bin, peeler and all. The guy at the depot must have said something like, "Okay, another dizzy cook has done us in again." I apologize. Had I known the consequences on both sides of the event, I would certainly have taken better care. All I can comment on is the trauma in our household when the peeler disappeared.

It was as if my wedding ring had gone down the drain. How could I function in the kitchen without my peeler! I tried the kitchen knife - it cut too thick a peel. I tried the grater - yuck. I tried scrubbing skins clean - not acceptable to the family palate.

We had to buy a peeler. Not just any peeler. It needed to be an English peeler, just like the one I had, the one my mother had. We looked - nothing found. Oh, yes, there were peelers aplenty, but none like "the old style." If you want the latest, you will buy peelers with fat rubbery handles and non-swivelling blades, or you will buy peelers with fat metal handles and stiff thick-slicing blades. You can even buy an electric potato peeler - good grief!

One Christmas, in a kind of bizarre desperate move, my husband and I exchanged potato peelers in our stockings. I think my husband was wearing weak on my constant peeler tirades. Neither of the stocking peelers was acceptable. Where were the English peelers of yesteryear! I was getting really cranky.

One day, we stopped at our favourite junk dealer. This is a guy who has a quonset hut half way between the city and our country place. We l-o-v-e to stop and browse his latest collection of cast-offs. I put my hand deep into a box of no-name stuff and brought up - yes - an English peeler. Ha-ha-yuk-yuk-hoorah! You would have thought we´d found the holy grail.

And, not two months after that, we were in the St. Lawrence Market in downtown Toronto, browsing the kitchen-man with his crowded mini-aisles of the latest latest in kitchen gadgets and - need I say it - there was a brand-new English peeler.

Peace reigns in the kitchen. Last week we went to our local Iranian grocery store and brought back carrots of a colour we´d never before attributed to carrots, and I peeled them for nibblies. Today, we had cucumbers for lunch, and I peeled them before slicing them. Tomorrow I expect I´ll peel potatoes for dinner, and maybe soon I´ll trim some celery strings or pare apples or mangoes ... and I´ll be using my English peeler.

I was very happy to upgrade my computer. I loved it when we replaced our old microwave oven. But there are some things to which modernization has not been kind. All the hand tools of our past reached some kind of zenith way back when, and modern designers have simply not valued their features. Is it that today´s kitchen stores think that anything mechanized is better than anything hand-powered? Do they design items for decorative rather than functional value? Did they ever take my English peeler in their hand and try it out when they were designing their fancy-dancy deluxe 21st century versions? I really don´t know. All I can say is, "Thank goodness for Joe the Junk Dealer." I have my peeler back in hand and I´m glad. And so is my husband.

Estelle sends this sad story of

A NAGGING WIFE

Moishe had a wife named Gitel, who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning until night (and sometimes later), for the 65 years they had been married, Gitel was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out buying and selling junk and scrap metal with his old mule. Consequently, he was out a lot.

One day, when Moishe was negotiating a deal with another junk dealer, Gitel brought him lunch. Moishe drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately after saying his brachos, Gitel began nagging him again.

Kvetch, nag, nudge; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet - caught Gitel smack in the back of the head, killing her dead on the spot.

At the funeral the next day, one of the Rabbi´s noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach Moishe, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the Rabbi decided to ask his old friend about it.

After the funeral, the Rabbi spoke to Moishe and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.

Moishe said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about what a good person my wife was, or how she was such a good cook, so I´d nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the Rabbi asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale!"

Miriam Ockenden forwards this story about

THE TRIALS OF BEING A WIFE

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man´s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat´s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops, and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 he was exhausted and though his chores weren´t finished, he went to bed, where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don´t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife´s being able to stay home all day. Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

"You´ll have to wait nine months, though.

"You got pregnant last night!"

Men, this takes a bit of studying but it is well worth it and could keep you out of trouble:

THE SECRETS OF WOMEN´S LANGUAGE

Keywords and their meaning:

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman a looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it´s an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don´t care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can´t bring myself to write about them.

"That´s Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That´s Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That´s Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead".

At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn´t get a "That´s Okay."

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you´re welcome.

"Thanks A Lot": This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you, "Nothing."

Jack Peaker tells the story of

THE PICNIC

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town´s annual first of July picnic. As old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it´s against your religion, but I can´t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don´t know what you´re missing. You just haven´t lived until you´ve tried Mrs. Hall´s prized Virginia baked ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding!

Bruce Galway suggests that

BEHIND EVERY GOOD MAN IS HIS HELPFUL WIFE

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her crocheting, the wife says: "Now don´t be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn´t have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can´t you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can´t you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you´re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That´s an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn´t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you´re driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON´T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma´am?"

(I love this part....)

"Only when he´s been drinking."

Gerrit de Leeuw sends this stereotypical story about the Scots:

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin´ perhaps it´s aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, I was thinkin´ perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, I was thinkin´ perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye noo think it´s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Don Henderson forwards this

ALASKAN BEAR STORY

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless environmentalist, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 338 magnum into the bear´s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious activist from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured man in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I´ve seen with my own eyes that that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He´s in direct contact with God and has access to all God´s wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God´s wisdom, but he sure doesn´t know anything about bear hunting. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back into town and grab another one?"

WINNING WILDLIFE PHOTOS

More than 4,000 images were submitted during the past year to National Wildlife´s 35th annual photo contest. The winners were selected by the editors on the basis of originality and execution. Barbara Wear sent me copies of the winning photos, and the grand prize winning photo accompanies this issue.

The grand prize winner was Kim SteiningerChadds Ford, Pennsylvania. "I took this picture right before I ducked," says Steininger. On a bird-watching trip in Ontario last winter, the network administrator noticed that one of the great gray owls she was photographing was staring back at her. "I didn´t think anything of it until it started flying at me," she says. Before getting out of the way, Steininger captured this digital photo with a 500mm telephoto lens.

THIS WEEK´S SUGGESTED SITES

Howard Hughes posted this site to check out:

http://www.cowabductions.com

Jay sends this site featuring an incredible juggler. After you open the site, click on the word "WATCH". Make sure your speakers are on or you will miss the effect! http://www.sonnyradio.com/chrisbliss.htm

Tom Telfer forwards an invitation from a newsletter entitled Good Old Days: sign up for your free subscription by clicking here: < http://drgnews.qtrop.com/sc.asp?a=6&amp;q=913&amp;s=303754&amp;u=http://newsletters.drgnetwork.com/ >

And lastly, Tom Williamson recommends a look at this:

http://www.grab.com/fun/specials/licensetopill

"If you think you´re too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."