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whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• We come to the end of the story sent by Barbara Wear
• Bill McNair comments on a piece in last week´s issue
• Sharon Graham and Gerrit de Leeuw forward a police warning
• Jack Peaker reminds us of the reasons we live in Canada
• There are five distinct phases in a woman´s life
• Burke Dykes forwards this week´s blonde joke
• Bruce Galway suggests names for new cross-breeds of dogs
• Howard Hughes posts a fish story
• Kate Brookfield sends a collection of jokes
• Miriam Ockenden and others suggest this week´s sites

Here is the end of Barbara Wear´s forwarded story. A mental health worker is about to read an article about how to help the author´s depressed father.

INSEPARABLE

I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.

I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Longhaired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs - all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons - too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen, a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run, and sat down. It was a Pointer, one of the dog world´s aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.

I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. "He´s a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we´ve heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you´re going to kill him?"

"Ma´am," he said gently, "that´s our policy. We don´t have room for every unclaimed dog." I looked at the Pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I´ll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.

"Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don´t want it!" Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.

Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You´d better get used to him, Dad. He´s staying!" Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, old man?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the Pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.

Dad´s lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The Pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the Pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad´s bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne´s cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my father´s room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad´s bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad´s peace of mind.

The morning of Dad´s funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church.

The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog that had changed his life.

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article ... Cheyenne´s unexpected appearance at the animal shelter ... his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father ... and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.

CORRESPONDENCE

Bill McNair writes: Mary and I just returned from a week at Hilton Head Island, where it was 70 to 84 degrees Fahrenheit. I have just read the old story, "We are lucky cars are not built like computers".

Well, Chrysler was bought out by an offshore company because of the lack of quality in their vehicles. General Motors is near bankruptcy, and Ford Motors are reshuffling their cards and coming out with new models of vehicles because the old models are not selling. On our trip home from Hilton Head, all we saw were Asian and German vehicles with American license plates on them. The top ten vehicles are all from Asia!

My computer (a clone, by the way) hasn´t had a glitch or hang and has yet to crash on me. I use and have used nothing but Microsoft software on it or other computers in the past, and I´ve had nothing but success since I started using a desktop. Incidentally, I am a retired IBMer and started using the first computer made by that company. Most of the problems are due to users who are not keeping their software up to date.

I own a 2001 Impala and I have had the transmission overhauled, a new catalytic converter replaced, and the intake exhaust manifold replaced, among a myriad of other things to date. I´m told by mechanics that is normal on this model, and other GM vehicles. My computer is still running and it has as many miles on it!

Let´s not kid ourselves; Europeans and Asians are not only wise, but are showing it too!

Sharon Graham and Gerrit de Leeuw both forwarded this warning from police:

A CAR JACKING SCHEME TO BE AWARE OF

Just had a notice that there is a new scheme being used and wanted you to be aware. It works like this: You walk to your car, unlock it, start the car, and you look in the rear view mirror to back out of the parking space, and notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. You shift into park, unlock your doors and jump out of the car to remove the paper or whatever is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car jackers appear out of nowhere, jump into the car and take off. Your car engine is running and the thieves practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. If you are a woman, your purse will be likely inside the car. Be aware of this new scheme that is now being used extensively. Just drive away and remove the paper later. Your purse contains all your identification and you do not want someone getting your home address. They already have your keys.

ED. NOTE: When I looked this up, I found the following information: "I got this warning and dismissed it as a hoax, given its similarity to the false warning about people trying to sell perfume in parking lots. (They supposedly get you to sniff the perfume, which is really ether and knocks you out.) But an article in the Mercury News notes that it might be worth paying attention to the paper-on-the-rear-window warning. They interview a California Highway Patrol officer who says:

"´I have heard of this a few times, and it is true. What makes it popular among car thieves is that it´s non-confrontational (no gun or threat needed) which equals a lesser fine or sentence if they´re caught. And it´s a lot easier than traditional methods. Your readers should definitely heed this advice to drive away.´"

The site notes that "the warning might be a bit overblown, but also cautions: Much more important than worrying about whether or not to remove a piece of paper stuck to your windshield, - in any situation where you might be vulnerable to a carjacking - is being aware of your surroundings and taking note of who may be lurking nearby as you enter or exit your automobile.´"

Jack Peaker forwards this one, which is worth repeating:

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN CANADA

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. 2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just five hours from downtown. 3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations. 4. There´s always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 5. Weed.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1. Big rock between you and B.C. 2. Ottawa who? 3. Tax is 7% instead of approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country. 4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country. 6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 1. You never run out of wheat. 2. Your province is really easy to draw. 3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 4. People will assume you live on a farm.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have beachfront property. 2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes. 3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood. 5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1. You live in the centre of the universe. 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 1. Racism is socially acceptable 2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next. 3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada. 4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income. 2. You´re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick 4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can´t, think they can. 2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt. 3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge. 2. You can walk across the province in half an hour. 3. You can drive across the province in two minutes. 4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea." 5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from. 6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea. 2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse. 3. The workday is about two hours long. 4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding

THE FIVE STAGES OF A WOMAN´S LIFE

1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

5. To Hell With It

* * *

Burke Dykes sends another

BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can´t figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it´s finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it´ s a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we´re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let´s have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed ... "let´s put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Bruce Galway sends these

NEW NAMES FOR RECENT DOG CROSS-BREEDS

Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow - Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter - Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund - Pyradachs, a puzzling breed (paradox)

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English springer spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever - Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound - Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog - Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly at the front entrance

Malamute + Pointer - Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn´t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute - Commute, a dog that loves to car-pool

Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog with a great butt

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu - Oh, never mind

Howard Hughes posted this fish story:

HONESTLY - IT WAS THIIIIIIS BIG!

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing tripsM he got a call that a woman at a neighbouring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.

Kate Brookfield posted these stories:

ANYONE SEEN HERMAN?

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver´s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ´C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.´ "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I´m so tired of chardonnay."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

THIS WEEK´S SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Miriam Ockenden suggests you check out the webcams on this site of one of the largest aquariums in the world:

http://www.mbayaq.org/

This interesting website is about a man who is losing weight the hard way:

http://www.thefatmanwalking.com/page/66308/

~~~~~

And here is a very different site. See if you can figure out the connections:

http://www.philippineartists.com/human/

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Curious about a posting about a killer tunnel, I looked it up in google. If you think we are bad drivers, have a look at this site:

http://www.automotoportal.com/article/Wild_accidents_captured_in_Lefortovo_Tunnel_video

~~~~~

"Beauty and ugliness disappear equally under the wrinkles of age; one is lost in them, the other hidden."