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whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• Dick Monaghan returns to our pages with some thoughts on marriage
• Jack Peaker forwards a story about senior citizens
• Miriam Ockenden´s story is about a psychic daughter
• Burke Dykes tells the tale of a Texan living dangerously
• Marilyn Magid forwards one man´s solution to paying his taxes
• Keith Elliott believes we live our lives in the wrong direction
• Estelle tells about an old man´s confession
• Bruce Galway sends a story of a clever lawyer
• Ever wonder what they write on those hospital charts?
• And how come people of the same age look so much older than us?
• Gerrit de Leeuw tells the sad story of an avid golfer
• Bruce Galway, Tom Williamson, and Miriam Ockenden suggest sites

Dick Monaghan has some thoughts on

MARRYING LATE IN LIFE

I wish some religious fundamentalist would explain to me why it costs thousands of dollars more to "do the right thing" than it does to "live in sin".

The short of it: Grace, a widow, and I, a widower, decided to get married. She has property and three children; I have property and three children. Each of us wishes our property to go to our children when we die. We live in a community-property state. That means that property owned by married couples is presumed to be community property, that is, jointly owned. It is true that property owned at the time of marriage is presumed to be separate property, but the problem is that property tends to get mixed together over time, at least in the eyes of the law.

The only safe way to go is to execute "separate property agreements" making it abundantly clear to even the most sleepy judge that it was your (joint) intent to keep your property to yourself, so that there´s as little argument as possible when the time comes. (Any lawyer will tell you people are at their absolute worst when someone from whom they expect to inherit dies.)

We did all of the above, and I suspect two lawyers are enjoying trips to the Caribbean as a result. We could have avoided the whole question by just living together. My adult children just rolled their eyes when I described the situation. Grace and I are from the same small town, having gone to high school together in 1942, and we both wanted to do the traditional thing. No, we weren´t an item back then, since she was a junior and I a mere freshman. That would have amounted to inter-species dating in those days. We lost track of each other for half a century. She was married for 44 years and I for 52. We reconnected on Mature Learning trips to the Shakespeare Festival at Ashland, Oregon, and found we had a lot of interests in common: symphony, plays, operas, and baseball. (She played shortstop for Ford´s Prairie Elementary School.)

The next decision was whose house we´d live in. It wasn´t a difficult choice since my house had a basement and two floors with four bedrooms, not to mention an extra lot that served as a back yard. I sold it, not realizing the almost overwhelming difficulty of getting rid of 30 years of accumulated - stuff. God knows where some of it came from. "Oh, you can store it in our basement!" Anyway, my two daughters put together an estate sale and my son helped junk the things that didn´t sell. At the end, I was just heaping things into bags and boxes and watching them get pitched onto a truck headed for the dump.

Grace´s house is much smaller and all on one level, with a respectable, but not outsized lawn. It´s like moving into a submarine. Books, pictures, furniture - the bulk of it given away, as there´s no place to put it. It´s amazing what you can do without.

With that settled, the next item was the wedding itself. I suggested the AMTRAK station or the Christian Science Reading Room as suitable sites for the ceremony, but I was (rather rudely) outvoted and we got married at Grace´s house with a reception at her daughter´s. It all went well.

We counted a Mature Learning trip to New York City as a honeymoon. We saw "Pajama Game", "Jersey Boys", "The Light in the Piazza", and "La Boheme", plus the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. That´s enough excitement for a while.

EDITOR´S NOTE: I know you join me in wishing Dick and Grace many years of health and happiness. You will find a wedding picture on Jay´s website at http://members.shaw.ca/vjsansum/index.htm

Jack Peaker forwards this oldie but goodie:

OLD AGE IS NOT FOR SISSIES ...

I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old.... How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV.

So last week, when the mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I determined to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.

I baked a batch of brownies, and without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy´s day.

When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.

"I´m sorry I can´t invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I´m due at the Racquet Club at two. I´m playing in the semi-finals today."

"Oh, that´s all right," I said. "I baked you some brownies...."

"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"

"...and just thought we´d visit a while. But that´s okay! I´ll just run across the street and call on Granny Grady...."

"Don´t bother," he said. "Gran´s not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast that she had an appointment for a tint job."

I called my mother´s cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital ... working in the gift shop. I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China. I called my husband´s uncle (age 79). I forgot; he was on his honeymoon.

I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don´t think I´m up to it.

Miriam Ockenden sends this story about

THE PSYCHIC DAUGHTER

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye, Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye, grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don´t know, Daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and goodbye, Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy, and goodbye, Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn´t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I´ve never seen you work so late. What´s the matter?"

He said, "I don´t want to talk about it. I´ve just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day! You´ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

Burke Dykes sends this one:

A TEXAN LIVING DANGEROUSLY

A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I´ll have a big thick porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied, "But, Monsieur, what about ze mad cow?"

He said, "She´ll have a salad."

Marilyn Magid sends one American´s solution to

PAYING TAXES

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers, and NASA has paid $600 for a toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429. Please apply the overpayment of $22 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

Keith Elliott thinks we have it all backward:

LIFE CYCLE

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What´s that, a bonus?!?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.

Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work forty years until you´re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play - you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby.

You go back, you spend your last nine months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, and then you finish off in a flash of passion!

Yes!

Estelle forwards this story about

THE CONFESSION

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I´m Jewish.

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I´m telling everybody!

Bruce Galway sends another lawyer joke:

LEGAL EXPERT

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant´s arm to one year´s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer´s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

WHAT DOES YOUR CHART SAY ABOUT YOU?

Actual Writings In Hospital Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient´s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can´t look that old!" Well, you are going to love this one.

NOT US!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on then?

When I got into the treatment room, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush ... or was he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, I did. I´m a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

Gerrit de Leeuw sends this story of

THE GOLFER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he´s doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it - whom can he tell?"

Bruce Galway and Tom Williamson send this suggestion:

WATCH THE EAGLES FROM HORNBY ISLAND

If you go to this site, you can click on a link that will give you a peek into the miracle of spring:

http://forum.hancockhouse.com/staticpages/index.php/20060323091954727

It´s a live cam feed from an active eagle´s nest on Hornby Island, B.C.

Miriam Ockenden suggests this site for

FAMOUS TRIALS

http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/ftrials.htm

This is an educational and non-commercial site maintained at the University of Missouri-Kansas City Law School. This is the Web´s largest and most visited collection of materials relating to famous trials, from Socrates to Clinton. The site includes original essays, images, primary documents, maps, transcript excerpts, chronologies, video clips, court decisions, and other materials to aid readers in understanding the significance of historic trials.

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."