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whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• Jacqui Knight concludes her article on her animals
• Don Henderson believes that laughter is the best medicine
• Sharon Graham forwards a story about ambitious frogs
• Q and A about pregnancy we don´t have to worry about any more
• Jack Peaker sends a story about two sisters
• Nevil Horsfall posts a tough southern college test
• Bruce Galway shares a new version of the alphabet
• Burke Dykes claims that many men don´t know when to shut up
• Bruce and Jay suggest interesting sites

Jacqui Knight ends her thoughtful article on

LESSONS LEARNED FROM ANIMALS

I had had to replace Rosie by this time with another horse, called d´Artagnan, or Dart for short. Now Dart was (I was told) 13 when I bought him, but in fact he was 18 years old and very wise, and very much like a wise old accountant whereas Doug was like the naughty office junior. Dart´s still going strong; he lives next door to Omata with Dart and Captain, and is very happy there, I can tell.

I learned a lot from Dart he always showed me that he knew far more and far better than I would ever know.

I had to get a fourth horse too, called Captain, and he was another rescue from the meatworks. He is an honest horse, a good friend, a real sweetie.

Dart and Captain and Doug taught me a lot about pride and ego. They often played tricks on me, just to bring me down a peg or two, and I learned to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously.

Then my very best friend throughout those ten months was my little Sheltie, Brae. Brae taught me so much about love and joy, patience and kindness, gentleness and faithfulness.

Brae and Bonnie too are so forgiving. They never grumble because their dinner is late, they are just thankful that their dinner has appeared. And they are always so loving, even if their food is not the best you could have given them, they´re just grateful. If you go out for the day and stay away longer than you should have, well, they´re just pleased that you have come back again! They´re not angry because you´re late or didn´t do what you said you´d do.

They teach me so much about being tolerant of and understanding others.

Animals, no matter how big or small, teach us about joy and peace, self-control, and courage, perseverance and discipline, compassion and humility. We just need to listen for the lessons!

I don´t have so much time today for my horses, and even Bonnie thinks she doesn´t gets enough of my attention. With some other Russell women, we´ve formed the Monarch Butterfly Trust and stirred up a lot of enthusiastic Monarch lovers. (www.monarch.org.nz)

I wonder how many of you have watched a Monarch hatch out of its chrysalis? I have another story to share about that too.

One day a man sat and watched a Monarch chrysalis for several hours as the butterfly struggled to force its body through the chrysalis shell. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It seemed as if it had gone as far as it could and it couldn´t go any further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly: he took a pair of scissors and gently cut open the shell. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a withered body, and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch because he expected that at any moment, the wings would open, enlarge and expand, to be able to support the butterfly´s body, and become firm. But it didn´t happen.

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a withered body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and his goodwill, did not understand was that the restricting chrysalis, and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening, forced the fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings, so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the chrysalis.

And sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were allowed to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. Never be able to fly. And that´s another lesson I´ve learned.

I asked for strength ... and I was given difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom ... and I was given problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity ... and I was given a brain and talents to work.

I asked for courage ... and I was given obstacles to overcome.

I asked for love ... and I was given troubled people to help.

I asked for favours ... and I was given opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted ... but everything I needed.

Live life without fear, confront all obstacles, and know that you can overcome them.

Don Henderson says this has been around before but we all need a laugh at ourselves!

ONE GOOD LAUGH DESERVES ANOTHER

My body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor´s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I´ve sure gotten old! I´ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I´m half blind, can´t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can´t remember if I´m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver´s license.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I´ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory´s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory´s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I´ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I´m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It´s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I´ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven´t made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don´t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don´t let aging get you down. It´s too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don´t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

Now, I think you´re supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

Sharon Graham forwards this story about

FROGS

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a climbing competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. No one in crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as:

"Oh, WAY too difficult!!"

"They will NEVER make it to the top."

or "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"

The tiny frogs began collapsing, one by one, except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher.

The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult! No one will make it!"

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up, but one continued higher and higher and higher. This one wouldn´t give up. At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower, except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top.

Then all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it. A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal.

It turned out that the winner was deaf!

The wisdom of this story is: Never listen to other people´s tendencies to be negative or pessimistic, because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you - the ones you have in your heart. Always think of the power words have, because everything you hear and read will affect your actions.

Therefore always be positive, and above all, be deaf when people tell you that you cannot fulfill your dreams.

Aren´t you glad we´re past having to ask these questions?

PREGNANCY QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - AND MORE!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I´m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby´s sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she´s borderline irrational.

A: So what´s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it´s not pain I´ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you´re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby´s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Jack Peaker forwards this story about

BUYING A BULL

Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. They learn there´s a bull for sale at a ranch about 100 miles away and they decide one sister should check it out.

Before leaving, the one tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I´ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

She arrives at the man´s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I´ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he´ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It´s just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, she only has $1 left. She realizes that she´ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word ´comfortable´."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ´comfortable´?"

She explains, "My sister´s blonde. The word´s big. She´ll read it slowly - com-for-da-bul."

Nevil Horsfall posted this test that was sent to him by a friend in Seattle ... not exactly southern:

SOUTHERN IQ TEST

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Tennessee Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ´65 Ford Fairlane, a ´69 Chevrolet, a ´67 Chevelle, or a ´64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children put a mobile home on the man´s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Bruce Galway forwards this version of

THE NEW ABCs

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won´t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let´s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A´s for arthritis;

B´s the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can´t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I´d rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I´d rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won´t mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don´t grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I´ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T for tinnitus; there´s bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that´s "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what´s going ´round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I´m left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I´ve survived all the symptoms, my body´s deployed, And I´ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Burke Dykes sends this story which illustrates the fact that

SOMETIMES MEN DON´T KNOW WHEN TO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband home in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 59, he´d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he´d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million dollars, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades that she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million dollars, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out:

"If I´d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That´s when she shot him.

Bruce Galway suggests this site:

FLY A KITE

http://www.kitelife.com/videos/demo/bethell_promo.htm

If you will right click on the screen when you bring it up, then you can click on Zoom to Full Screen. Be sure your speakers are on. This is in Vancouver, near the Planetarium.

Bruce also sends this site for breathtaking rainbow pictures:

http://www.missouriskies.org/rainbow/february_rainbow_2006.html

Jay suggests this website to clear up any confusion you may have about sizes in computer language:

http://www.geocities.com/~budallen/byte.html

You can also read this newsletter online at http://members.shaw.ca/vjsansum/index.htm and http://www.nw-seniorsonline.org/stories.html

Boundless compassion for all living beings is the firmest and surest guarantee of pure moral conduct, and needs no casuistry.