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whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• Bruce Galway writes a column about Canada geese
• Gerrit de Leeuw warns that Viagara is not without side effects
• Don Henderson sends a story about the hated GST
• Burke Dykes suggests there are some things you don´t say to cops
• Rafiki forwards a poem about those upcoming yard sales
• Eleanor Werner waxes nostalgic about old-fashioned words
• Jack Peaker sends a story about a princess with a problem
• Jay passes along some hints on dieting
• There are a number of interesting sites for you to explore

Bruce Galway writes a weekly column for The Packet & Times, Orillia´s daily paper. He has given his permission to reprint his last column here:

CANADA GEESE, MORE THAN JUST PARTY POOPERS

I should begin by explaining that last fall, just prior to having some work done on my shorewall, I took down my old cedar post and clothes line goose fence, which had been ravaged by the effects of time. Just last week, I mentioned to Rosemary, a long time city friend, that with the help of my grandson Jeffrey I planned to install a new goose fence. Her response was, "What is a goose fence and why do you need one?"

To the uninitiated new residents and visitors to Lagoon City, Canada geese are magnificent creatures. They add a glimpse of Mother Nature at her finest as they glide effortlessly through the canals of our community.

This picturesque scene is enhanced with the spring ritual of the appearance of the goslings with mom and dad in numbers ranging from 2 to 12. These sweet little bundles of fuzz paddle along in single file between their parents. At times, two or three families band together as if they have organized a travelling day-care centre. When this happens, there will be an adult at the front and one at the end of the line with the rest of the adults stretched out over the length of the procession on alternate sides.

However, as the seasoned residents know, these pictures of beauty, tranquility. and family togetherness mark the beginning of the goose wars, which are the annual skirmishes to establish control of the lush green lawns bordering the canals throughout the community; hence, the need for a goose fence.

Their beauty is far less important to residents than the fact that Canada geese are world-class poopers, and I don´t mean party poopers unless it relates to the effect geese dropping could have on a lawn party. Statistically, a goose eats about 4 lbs. of grass a day, leaving behind about 2 lbs of fecal matter in its trail as it moseys about your lawn. One document I read indicates that geese defecate five to six times an hour.

Geese appear to be highly intelligent. They know when home owners are away and seemingly have a communication system for calling their family, friends and acquaintances to an undefended lawn where they can spend a morning, afternoon, or an entire day enjoying an uninterrupted food and pooh fest. I have been told that on some weekends, when we are away, there have been upward of 50 geese congregated on our lawn.

The concept of the fence is a simple series of poles with two lines strung between them that stretch along the shore wall. However, to be a successful deterrent, there is the obvious requirement that your neighbours must also have an effective fence. If not, which is true in my case, the geese just get out of the water at their places and, over time, saunter over to mine with their necks bent and mouths busy ingesting the only ingredient required to produce their own brand of guano.

Among the frustrated property defenders, there are always rumours of the latest method or gadget for repelling the invasion of the poopers. One year it was seeding rye grass, and another it was spraying wine on the lawn. This latter approach did not gain favour partly because of cost, and more importantly, due to the idea of having to deal with drunken geese with upset stomachs.

Sixteen years of having a goose fence indicates it is largely an exercise in futility. But on the premise of never saying die, this year I am seriously contemplating a motion detection sprinkler that will turn on when the inevitable poopy invasion begins in earnest in late May.

So Rosemary, that is why I need a goose fence, and more, in my on-going and often futile battle to keep my lawn free from the half-digested grasses left behind by the Canada geese.

Gerrit de Leeuw writes about one effect of

VIAGARA

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I´m not hungry right now. It´s this Viagra," he says. "It´s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir-fry?"

He declines again. "No, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I´m starving."

Don Henderson sends this one:

GST

A husband goes home and says to his wife, "Do you know what GST stands for?"

She says, "No."

He says, "It means Good Sex Tonight."

She says, "Oh, really."

He says, "Yeah, what are my chances?"

She says "About 7%."

Ed. Note: For the benefit of non-Canadian readers, GST stands for goods and services tax, which is a tax on just about everything but staple food, of 7%.

Burke Dykes suggests there are some things you should

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can´t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn´t realize my radar detector wasn´t plugged in.

3. Aren´t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must´ve been doin´ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You´re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That´s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That´s how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee, your eyes look red; have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn´t respond with,"Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed; have you been eating doughnuts?"

Rafiki sends this timely

OLD YARD SALE SONG

Sing a song of yard sales,
The greatest fad around,
At garages, lawns and driveways
Each weekend can be found.
My Missus used to get upset,
And said, "It´s a lotta bunk!
Spending from the family funds,
For someone else´s junk."

A bad mistake. One Saturday morn
I took her out with me.
All my loonies, toonies went,
Blown on her shopping spree.
Picture frames and dishes,
And coffee mugs galore.
Who would want to buy the rug
From someone´s bedroom floor?

So many fishing rods and skis
And a rusty steamer trunk,
They might be someone´s treasures
But to me - a lotta junk.
A twenty dollar kitchen set
To eat your breakfast eggs?
The table was too wobbly,
And a chair with broken legs?

A radio that didn´t work,
The camera had no lens,
A jacket (just one sleeve was torn)
Among the odds and ends.
A convoy of baby buggies,
And a doggie on a rope
Got our legs all tangled up
By some obnoxious dope.

Sometimes I waste my money
And I could blow a fuse.
I buy this junk because it´s cheap
That I will never use.
The bedroom dresser up for sale,
No bargain, I could see.
There was no charge for crawlers -
The spiders all were free.

The stuff we buy, we like to think,
A profit it will bring,
We´ll have a lawn sale of our own
That´s early in the spring.
So many times we trod this path
It makes me want to holler,
The junk we sell, we only get
´Bout two cents on the dollar.

When we have a lawn sale,
What really upsets me is
Leaving cartons on the sidewalk,
And a sign says, "All is free!"
We all get satisfaction,
Wasting bucks and time,
But the money-hungry taxman
Doesn´t get to grab a dime!

I´ll meet you every weekend,
My wallet - it shall bleed,
Buying other people´s trash
That I don´t really need.
If I should croak with all this junk,
My heirs will be quite sad,
"This must be our inheritance
From dear old loving dad!"

Author Unknown

Eleanor Werner enjoys

WORDS FROM THE PAST

Fender Skirts - What a great blast from the past! I haven´t thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress. Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs". Since I´d been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

Another one that should be in here was the "sun visor" that you could install above the windshield to stop the sun. It was quite the "cool" thing to have.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes"? At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake".

I´m sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Remember when placing a "long distance" call meant coordination like an invasion? "Uncle Phil is calling at 4 p.m., and we must all be ready." I´m surprised my mother didn´t make us dress up.

And "long distance" was used only in dire emergencies and the most sacred of family events. I can still hear my mother saying, "You think you´re made of money? Hang up, already!" With cell phones, a "long distance" call is a common occurrence.

Here´s a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought". Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days, but once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the ´50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When´s the last time you heard the quaint phrase, "in a family way"? It´s hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way", or simply "expecting".

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in use. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it´s just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn´t be understood at all.

It´s hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper - "divorce". And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee". Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.

Most of these words go back to the ´50s, but here´s a pure ´60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink". Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here´s a word I miss - "percolator". That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker" How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectroLux". Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that´s what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren´t gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper". Now everybody says "dinner". Save a great word. Invite someone to "supper". Discuss "fender skirts".

Someone sent this to me, and I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of them.

Jack Peaker forwards this fairy tale about

THE PRINCESS

Once upon a time there lived a king, who had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem: everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what - metal, wood, stone - anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king´s wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand, and it did not melt!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince´s pants?

M&M, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What did you think it was?

Jay forwards this helpful information on diet:

PASTA DIET

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here´s the final word on nutrition and health. It´s a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

MONEY ISN´T EVERYTHING

Money can buy a house,
     but not a home.

Money can buy a bed,
     but not sleep.

Money can buy a clock,
     but not time.

Money can buy a book,
     but not knowledge.

Money can buy food,
     but not an appetite.

Money can buy position,
     but not respect.

Money can buy blood,
     but not life.

Money can buy medicine,
     but not health.

Money can buy sex,
     but not love.

Money can buy insurance,
     but not safety

You see, money is not everything.

Therefore, if you have too much,
     please send it to me ... immediately!

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THIS WEEK´S RECOMMENDED SITES

Chris Lawson asks that you sign a petition to Prime Minister Harper if you are concerned about the proposed changes to child care which his government is introducing. The object is to have a million signatures on this open letter to Parliament in mid-May. The link:

http://www.buildchildcare.ca/BE_petition.php/honourthem

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Gerrit de Leeuw suggests this site for a video of Israeli singer, Liel, with 40 Jewish children and 40 Arabic children, singing John Lennon´s "Imagine":

http://www.liel.net/Liel-ClintonVideo2.wmv

He also recommends this one: Monty Python (Eric Idle) brings you down to earth:

http://www.care2.com/ecards/p/8020-3532-10346-2209

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Nevil Horsfall posted this site, titled Designing Woman:

http://fcmx.net/vec/get.swf?i=003702

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Those eagles should be hatched by now:

http://www.infotecbusinesssystems.com/wildlife/

"A sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the unbearable."

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