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whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• The editor concludes the story of her early camp experience
• Jack Peaker forwards a tale about seniors on a road trip
• Kate Brookfield´s post is about the differences between cats and dogs
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends a story about a balloonist
• Here are some great Kosher quotes
• Miriam Ockenden tells the tale of a sleeping dog
• Bruce Galway explains how corporate policy is set
• Burke Dykes believes men are happier than women, and gives reasons
• Jack Peaker suggests some websites to explore

LIFE IN A SMALL LOGGING CAMP IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

We read everything that came to hand. I still have the Alice in Wonderland I received when I was five. During my childhood I read all of Dickens, Kipling, Henty; Treasure Island, Anne of Green Gables, the Jalna books - most of which are now considered adult fare. I was addicted to fairy tales, folklore, and myth - and I still am.

For entertainment we had an old battery-run radio on which we could pick up static-laden news from the world outside. We heard of the birth of the Dionne quintuplets, and also most of the first broadcast of Orson Well´s War of the Worlds. I don´t remember listening to the radio much, so I presume the reception was poor or the batteries kept running down. We also had a hand-cranked gramophone with cylindrical records, and a small collection of records. (Wish I still had them!)

It was lucky we came from good peasant stock. I don´t remember any illnesses except an occasional cold, for which we received vinegar and brown sugar which simmered on the stove. That tasted good and we didn´t mind it, but had less fondness for the sulphur and molasses which Mother gave us for "spring fever," whether we needed it or not. (It is amazing there were no serious accidents in the camp, considering the work was done with sharp axes and saws, heavy steel cables and lumbering horses. There was no-one with any knowledge of first aid closer than 12 miles away by water. If an accident had occurred in the bush, the logger could have lain there until he died from loss of blood because they usually worked alone.)

Mother finally persuaded Dad that the bush was no place for two daughters of school age. (I don´t suppose she mentioned the loneliness of being the only woman in all that wilderness.) My sister and I loved it there, but looking back, I can see it was a very isolated life. Some of the people who lived in Ansty Arm, our nearest neighbors, became quite strange from living so far from others. Two of them became mental patients, and their daughter developed such a bad stutter that she could scarcely make herself understood all her adult life. Nell and I had some problems adjusting to life in the outside, but being kids, we soon adapted. Mother, on the other hand, had become quite shy and seldom left home after we moved out of the logging camps. (We had been in them for years before the time we were in the camp I have described.)

That camp made a lasting impression on me. I dreamed of it for years. My heart still lies in that small clearing among the mountains. I remember the sunshine of long summer days, the mists of early spring, the quiet snows of winter, the stillness of the woods, the rare wild flowers.

I returned there once, many years later. Everything was so much smaller than I remembered: the beach had shrunk; the creek was not far from all that remained of the log cabin; the canyon over which we had swung was quite shallow. And the camp had disappeared: only the foundation logs of the cabin still lay there. Gone were the barn, the root cellar, the trails. Nature had reclaimed the site.

Living in the bush for eight of my early years undoubtedly left its mark. We learned to be independent, to make our own amusements, to make do with what was at hand, to appreciate the beauty of the woods and the company of animals. And my sister and I developed a friendship that has lasted until this day.

Editor´s note: Sadly, my sister is now in a care home, becoming more forgetful and confused all the time. She no longer remembers the life we lived in the camps.

Jack Peaker forwards a scenario you may recognize:

SENIOR ROAD TRIP

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn´t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the irritation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn´t let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her:

"While you´re in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."

Kate Brookfield forwarded these points to ponder about cats and dogs:

SELF-EVIDENT TRUTHS ABOUT PETS

* Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

* An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

* Cat´s motto: No matter what you´ve done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it.

* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

* Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

* Dogs shed, cats shred.

* If you think dogs can´t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

* Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

* People who hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

* Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

* When a man´s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

* In order to keep a true perspective of one´s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Gerrit de Leeuw sends this story, which we have had before, but it is still funny:

THE BALLOONIST

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don´t know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You´re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You´re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I´ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I´m still lost. Frankly, you´ve not been much help at all. If anything, you´ve delayed my trip."

"The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist," but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don´t know where you are or where you´re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you´ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it´s my fault."

KOSHER QUOTES

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - Richard Lewis

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. - David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. - Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five, I knew I was that one. - Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. - Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you´re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyim even if you are Jewish. - Lenny Bruce

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn´t you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! - Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can´t lie to a Jewish mother. - Peter Malkin

Humility is no substitute for a good personality. - Fran Lebowitz

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. - Benjamin Disraeli

It´s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don´t say it. - Sam Levenson

Don´t be humble; you are not that great. - Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It´s His business. - Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. - Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. - Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn´t worth the paper it´s written on. - Sam Goldwyn

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money. - Arthur Miller

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something - Jackie Mason

I don´t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. - Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy - Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. - Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. - George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they´ve stolen. - Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

I don´t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. - Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. - Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. - George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. - Henry Kissinger

Miriam Ockenden sends this one:

LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE

One afternoon, I was in the back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he´s trying to catch up on his sleep."

Bruce Galway this explanation of

THE CORPORATE BOOK OF LIFE

Today´s reading is from the Book of Corporate Life, Chapter 1, verses 1-15:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions.

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of crap and it stinks."

7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

11. And the directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "It has very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And that is how crap happens.

Miriam Ockenden forwards this illustration of a lesson that went wrong:

WORM CLASS

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

He put four worms into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate ... you won´t have worms!"

Burke Dykes offers some explanations for

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER

Men are just happier people - What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don´t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you´re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don´t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Jack Peaker suggests these

INTERESTING WEBSITES

Colouring Books: http://www.tvo.org/cb_eng/default.html

World Music: http://snipurl.com/r2tg

Egypt: http://snipurl.com/r2tj

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer./p>

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