---

whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• Carolyn Harris recalls a harrowing adventure in camp
• Geoff Goodship describes how the big planes are navigated
• Dick Monaghan tells us one last story about Miss Kate
• This one by Burke Dykes is not a blonde joke
• Jack Peaker gives some helpful sites for senior computer users
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends this example of a perfect put-down
• Bruce Galway´s story is about a tough exam

Carolyn Harris continues her logging camp adventures:

NEVER GET CAUGHT IN YOUR UNDERWEAR

On weekends, when the road was passable, my mother took us to the company mercantile thirty miles away. The Merc had almost anything you´d need - appliances, furniture, dry goods, food. They delivered furniture and linoleum to camp. Most employees kept a running tab.

My first bra came from the Merc. When I wasn´t wearing my bra, it was stuffed in a wooden box with some junk jewelry - and my brother´s socks. Both Jo and I were flat chested. At thirteen, I figured that was my punishment for sassing my mom and beating on my little brother. I needed those socks to stuff my bra.

My father bought a new Nash Ambassador - one of those fancy ones where the front seat tipped back and you had a bed. That Nash was my ticket to freedom. Now I could drive the ´35 Ford wherever I wanted, as long as I stayed off the highway. My dad kept it filled up and tuned up, and usually grumbled, "At least wash it once in a while and clean out the inside so it doesn´t look like a damn pig sty." Jo and I bounced down old logging roads, forded creeks, and made new roads where the company forgot to grade one. That´s how we found the watertank beside the railroad tracks.

If I drove fast enough, we could keep ahead of the red dust cloud chasing us. If we cranked up the windows fast enough when we stopped, we could keep the dust out of the car. One hot summer afternoon, we didn´t outrun the dust. Hot, tired and dirty, we parked the old Ford in the bushes, climbed down the hill and followed the railroad tracks to the watertank. On pilings, the wooden tank dripped into a mossy frog-filled bed. We stood in the shade and let the cool water drip over our faces, but that was just a tease. We were going to climb up there and swim. We stashed our shorts and shirts in the bushes. I adjusted my brother´s socks in my new bra and crawled up the ladder ahead of Jo, hoping she wouldn´t notice my ratty underpants.

Swiping away spiderwebs, I crawled down the ladder inside the dark tank. I hung butt down, feet and hands on the last rung, eyeing the waving green algae, thinking about alligators.

"Move." Jo put her foot on my shoulder and shoved.

I landed in the cool water just before she flopped in beside me. We floated on our backs long enough to soak off the dust. If you drop your feet, algae won´t bite, but it snakes around your legs sending chills up your spine. There´s not much sunlight in a watertank and the water´s only warm and clear on top. I paddled to the rung and told Jo I was cold and wanted to get out. While I checked the socks in my bra so the water wouldn´t suck them out when I pulled myself up, we heard a steam engine chugging up the tracks. We couldn´t get out. The train crew would see us in our underwear. We pressed against the side of the tank, hoping the firemen couldn´t see us from the top of the engine tender.

The trough clunked down and water shimmied around us, then slipped down the side of the tank into the panting steam engine.

"Hook your arms around the ring," Jo whispered.

I hung there, rung jammed in my armpits, as the water sucked my underpants past my knees, past my ankle, past my toes. Arms aching, I dug in my toes and braced against the side, staring down at the pulsating algae below.

The trough clunked back. The mossy side quivered, and I lost my foothold. I hung again by my armpits, knowing the engine must be full. But it didn´t leave. My arms ached and I couldn´t hold on any longer. I reached for the next rung and missed. I fell sideways, grabbed at Jo, and we flopped into the tangled slime as the engine panted faster and faster, then rumbled down the tracks. The ladder now beyond our reach, I thrashed around, scratching at the slippery side as algae tried to suck me down to those waiting alligators.

"I can touch bottom!" Jo yelled.

Sucking air, I dropped my feet, then stood with my chin thrust out of the slippery goop. Then I was down in the muck, smashing my knee, fighting for the surface. When I stood again, Jo clung to a small pipe running up the wall.

She reached for my hand, "The water´s coming back in."

Teeth chattering, we worked our way up the pipe hand over hand as the now freezing water rose up the slippery sides. We reached the bottom rung and struggled for the second. I banged Jo with my elbow. Blood ran from her nose, but she didn´t seem to notice. We were just too cold and tired to get a foothold or boost ourselves up.

"Get on my shoulders." Jo yelled, reaching for the bottom rung and bracing her legs against the sides.

I crawled up her back gripping her hair, knelt on her shoulders, then lunged and jammed my foot in the bottom rail, sending Jo shooting below the surface.

Nighthawks swooped through the twilight as we climbed the hill to the ´35 Ford. Bloody and bruised, we huddled in the front seat under a scratchy army blanket, the heater blowing dusty air up our legs.

My new bra survived, but my underpants and my brother´s socks were lost in the slime at the bottom of the railroad water tank.

But we didn´t get caught in our underwear.

To be continued.

Geoff Goodship writes about an

INTERNATIONAL AIR SHOW IN OSHKOSH

Recently I fulfilled a long-held ambition to visit the International Air Show in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. It´s a week-long affair that attracts nearly a million visitors each year. In another issue I´ll try to describe the world´s largest gathering of small aircraft. I´d like to write just a little bit about how I got there, but first, here´s how the "big boys" (large aircraft) do it.

When we board a jet passenger aircraft, few of us give a thought to the many unseen individuals and systems that make up air traffic control. I´m not talking about the new security systems that have been added since 9/11, but the layers of people who watch us from the ground throughout the flight. If you could join the crew on the flight deck, here are some of the things that you would probably find interesting.

Before leaving the terminal, the flight crew will have filed a flight plan and probably been given a time slot to land several hours away at the destination airport. Let´s begin once your aircraft has been pushed back from the ramp. The pilot or first officer radios the ground controller, asking permission to taxi to the active runway. The aircraft cannot be moved without first obtaining this permission. Depending upon the traffic, there may be several instructions from the ground controller before your aircraft reaches the active runway. The pilot may have to wait for one or more aircraft in line for take-off.

When the aircraft is first in line, the pilot switches his radio frequency from the ground to the tower controller, indicating he´s ready to go. The tower controller clears the aircraft to the active runway and for takeoff. The controller may add several instructions about turning and climbing during the departure. Within a few miles, the tower controller hands the aircraft off to another regional or area controller who now has radar contact with your still-climbing airliner.

Pilots must climb through the airspace allotted and fly at the designated altitude. Navigation is never left to only one instrument. There are usually at least three or more systems all confirming and cross checking the flight path. These include a compass, an altimeter, a ground-based radio beacon, and a satellite navigation guidance system. Onboard radar from a satellite shows the pilot where there are storms and turbulence to be avoided. This information is confirmed again by the regional controller and by reports from other aircraft that have recently passed near this flight path.

When the aircraft nears the edge of the area of one controller, he is handed off to another control center further along the flight path. The main job of the control center operator is to keep the correct spacing between all flights and the terrain. He also assists the pilot with any other information requested throughout the flight. If an aircraft strays from its course or its assigned altitude, the pilot will hear immediately from the area controller. The pilot has the discretion to deviate from an assigned course and altitude but must advise the controller first.

Within 50 to 100 miles of the destination airport, the pilot changes his radio frequency so as to gather information about the conditions at the destination. This is usually an automated voice system providing wind speed and direction, the direction of the active runway, and the local barometer reading. The pilot then switches from contact with the regional controller to the frequency of the control tower, giving his position and advising that he wishes to join the circuit to land. Depending upon the type of aircraft, the tower controller may advise of the glide slope and speed of descent. The controller may also indicate if there are other aircraft in the landing or takeoff areas that may be of concern. The pilot must be "cleared to land" by the tower before he can make the final approach into the landing runway. Once on the ground, it´s time to turn to the ground controller´s frequency once more, for once again the pilot must move the aircraft according to instructions.

Between takeoff and landing it´s not unusual for there to be 50 100 short radio conversations exchanged between pilot and different enroute control operators, ensuring your safety and comfort in the air. If you could sit on that flight deck as an observer, your flight would seem much more interesting and much shorter. If you sat in the cabin, you might have slept the whole way with no idea of the interesting drama unfolding at the front of the aircraft.

Next time I´ll try to tell you how flying is very different in a small private aircraft.

Here is the last of the many stories Dick Monaghan has told us about Miss Kate:

MISS KATE´S LAST JOURNEY

My two daughters, Connie and Margaret, my two grandchildren, Molly and Natalie, a shirt-tail cousin, Suzie McFadden, and I went up to a very rural town called Onalaska and distributed Miss Kate´s ashes in the graveyard.

This is on Alpha Prairie, where the Hansens, the Russells, and the McFaddens are buried - all relatives. (Miss Kate was a Russell.) The graveyard is unattended and run by a "cemetery district". It´s fenced, but the upkeep, beyond mowing, I think, is up to the customers. In years past, people were known to bring "the loved one" and a backhoe for a night-time burial, unsanctioned and unpaid-for. There´s a chain-link fence around the place now. You could still manage it, though.

We cleaned the headstones of Kate´s twin brothers, Robert and David (Robert, a Marine, was killed at the Chosen Reservoir during the Korean War, and within a year, his brother was killed while hitchhiking by a driver who didn´t see him.) The headstones of Kate´s parents, Howard and Kate, were similarly brightened.

The two granddaughters were initially not all that keen on participating, but got interested in the many departed relatives and pitched right in on the cleaning. The weather was exemplary. It´s beautiful up there, and I think Miss Kate would have been pleased. (She once buried the ashes of an aunt up there without bothering with the bureaucracy. She had received them in the mail without further explanation, greeting or message, from some out-of-state relatives I hope have been struck by lightning.)

Connie put together scholarships (we all contributed), which she awarded in the names of Kate, Robert, and David, at their high school in Canoga Park, California.

Burke Dykes sends this one:

WHAT´S FOR DINNER?

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here´s what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I´m about 40 feet away. Let´s see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what´s for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what´ s for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what´s for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what´s for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her and says loudly, "Honey, what´s for dinner?"

Finally, a response, "Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Jack Peaker wrote an article enthusing about

THE ADVANTAGES OF USING COMPUTERS

Computers can give us many benefits as well as much pleasure. Let´s look at some savings possible with owning one:

E-mailing: This method of sending messages results in savings by reducing long distance telephone calls and eliminating postage, paper, pens, and time. An added bonus is that poor penmanship is no longer a problem. Our children can be in touch daily if they so choose and we can keep on top of what is going on in their lives.

Shopping: http://www.ebay.ca - A place to buy almost every type of product.

Hotels: http://ca.hotels.com/hotel-htdocs/ca/index.htm (the website permitted me to get a $300 room at Toronto´s King Edward Hotel for $87 per night.)

TRAVEL: http://www.itravel2000.com

http://www.wholesaletravel.com

Other websites offering money savings and time savings:

http://www.mirvish.com - Toronto entertainment - sometimes package deals

http://www.hotelfindercanada.com - searches Canadian hotels for best deals

http://www.favoriteplaces.net - searches hotels worldwide for best deals

http://www.spasontario.com - spas with accomodations throughout Ontario

http://www.hooklineandsinker.com - fishing information

http://www.niagarafallshotels.com - deals available in Niagara Falls

http://www.sunquest.ca - deals on sun vacations (My daughter and family used this website to get a bargain at a five-star resort in the Dominican Republic)

http://www.hotels.canada.com

http://www.expedia.ca - offers discount flights, hotels, cars, vacation packages, cruises and maps.

Digital Cameras allow you to e-mail pictures, or print them. They start at just over $150 or so. Prints do not have to be done on Kodak paper. With appropriate software, 2-4 pictures can be printed on a sheet of photo paper. Some grades are only 50-60 cents a sheet.

Greetings: Send greetings by typing in "greetings" on a website such as yahoo or a similar site. You can find greetings for all occasions. Send them without cost for cards or stamps. They are available with animation and sound.

We seniors hear of our children saving money by utilizing the above websites and others. Why not allow our computers to help pay for themselves?

Ed. Note: This article would be worth filing for future reference.

Gerrit de Leeuw sends this story:

THE PERFECT ANSWER

A fifty-six-year-old woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What´s the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don´t care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

SOUTHERN EXPRESSIONS

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It´s been hotter´n a goat´s butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it´s already been saucered and blowed.´"

5. "She´s so stuck up, she´d drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It´s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don´t need your bull."

8. "Don´t pee down my back and tell me it´s raining."

9. "He´s as country as a corn flake."

10. "This is gooder´n grits."

11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

Bruce Galway forwards this one:

OOPS!

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn´t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written ...

For 95 points: Which tire?

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these."