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IN THIS ISSUE

• Gerrit de Leeuw begins the story of his childhood in Holland
• We get letters from Carol Hansen, Carol Shoemaker, Dick Monaghan, and Mike DiCola
• Bruce Galway forwards an article with an important rule in it
• Anita Henderson thinks men should listen more
• Marilyn Magid sends the latest thinking on nutrition and health
• Catherine Green retells the story of the cowboy and the city slicker
• Jack Peaker suggests ways for staying young
• Miriam Ockenden tells the story of the old girlfriend
• Don Henderson explains why athletes don't have regular jobs
• Marilyn Magid and Jay suggest sites that will give you something to worry about

Gerrit de Leeuw shares with us his

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

I was born in Arnhem, Holland, in 1936. My first memory is of being on the 4th floor attic room with some others. The second floor of the house was full of aunts and uncles and (to me) strangers. They were all going somewhere and I was not allowed to go along, which made me cry. I was to be taken to what they at that time called 'the maid's' house to be cared for.

The occasion must have been something that hurt deeply in order to be remembered and leave a scar. As I matured and recalled this occasion later, I came to the conclusion that it must have been the funeral of my birth mother, who passed away of a mental disorder. My mom, after being raised in a very conservative religious area and family, having six children during the depression, helping my dad establish a small meat market during their early years of marriage, and the rumors of war, must have become deeply depressed. Her mental and physical health were affected. In the thirties, medication to deal with diseases such as this was inadequate or non existent.

My dad only mentioned the occasion of her passing once to me. I was about 14 years old when we were parked outside a hospital in Arnhem. He stared at a barred window located on the top floor of the hospital complex. Suddenly he pointed out this window to me and said: "That is where your mother died." Upon questioning my oldest sister later, I learned that she passed away while restrained in straightjjacket. Medicine has come a long way in preventing a human being from having to exit this world in such an undignified, inhumane way.

The house where I was born contained three businesses with attached living quarters. On the left was a dairy store, in the centre was our meat market, and on the right side was a barber/beauty shop. After the meat market was sold to the Siepman family, I took the opportunity to leave to seek my fortune in Canada.

After my mother died in 1939, WWII started. This increased the stress on my father, who had a fledgling meat market to contend with, six children to be taken care of, the oldest being 11 and the youngest not even one year old, and three married employees with children, who in those days were more or less the responsibility of the employer. It is not surprising my father had to deal with nervous conditions all his life. By the time he was 40 he had gone (with others) through two world wars and the great depression. What I now believe was more an act of desperation than emotional need, he placed an ad for a new wife in a 'courant' (Dutch name for newspaper). It did not take long to get a response and for him to choose a new bride. My stepmother came out of a house of three spinsters who ran a senior lodge. I believe that a 'business' man in those days was looked upon as a 'catch'.

I give all credit and am eternally thankful to her for taking on a man with six children. During the war years and shortly after, I remember her as always either cooking, helping in the meat market, washing clothes, or sewing pants, pajamas and all the things we needed as children but which were not available in stores during the war years. Old dresses were re-cut and re-sewn into shirts, underpants, smaller dresses, or pants for the kids. Old sweaters with holes in them were ripped out and re-knit into socks or smaller sweaters for the smaller children. I clearly remember having to 'hold' and rip the old sweaters so she could rewind the wool into a useable ball of material.

I feel sad and yes, guilty, that she never could give us the real affection and emotional support which comes so naturally with a birth mother. Guilty because we could feel these shortcomings and could not respond and give her the emotional credit she deserved. It is not strange that my youngest sister, Nel, always has been the closest to her and got the most attention. This was due to the fact that Nel was only nine months old when my birth mother died. She has no recollection of any kind to our mother, and consequently had an opportunity to bond with our stepmother. She also was unfortunate to be always bothered with hearing problems due to ear and kidney-bladder infections during her growing years. Mother showed a great deal of justifiable concern and care towards her.

To be continued.

CORRESPONDENCE

Carol Hansen, Carol Shoemaker and Bill Murphy all wrote to say that the information contained in last week's issue about what to do if you suffer a heart attack while alone is not correct. Check out the facts athttp://www.snopes.com/medical/homecure/coughcpr.asp

In reply to Jean Sterling's comments last week, Dick Monaghan sends the Indian names for places in Oregon and Washington:

1. Puyallup (pronounced PEW-al-up)

2. Champoeg (pronounced SHAMpooee

3. Sequim (pronounced Skwim) Fun names: Startup, Dusty, Wagontire

Mike DiCola writes: I continue to very much enjoy (indeed, look forward to) the weekly Tale Spinner mailing. Re your last one, which had a funny comparison between 1981 and 2005, being a complete ignoramous about most sport outside North America, I googled "Ashes tournament" in order to find out what the heck it is. (It turns out it's a once-every-two-years cricket challenge between Australia and England). But more to my point, I also found this correction in the "Comments" follow-up to a repetition of that same joke on another website: "Two Popes died in 1978 and Pope John Paul was shot in 1981 but didn't die until 2005." So please warn all your faithful readers that, should they choose to pass along that part of your last newsletter, they should just change the 1981 Pope reference to "Pope was shot." The comparision (and the joke) still work and your faithful readers will avoid being niggled by historical pedants. (Not that -I- know any, of course.)

Bruce Galway sent an article written by Michael Gartner, editor and president of NBC News, about his parents' driving career. His father gave up driving when he was 25, and his mother started when she was 43. From the time she learned to drive until she quit driving at the age of 90, his mother drove and his father navigated. Here is an excerpt that embodies an important rule for safe driving:

NO LEFT TURNS

As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"

"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.

"No left turns," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic. As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."

"What?" I said again.

"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."

"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support.

"No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works." But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."

I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing. "Loses count?" I asked.

"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."

I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.

"No," he said. "If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."

Anita Henderson sends this brief illustration of the fact that

MEN DON'T LISTEN

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, "PIG!"

Man yells out window, "B I T C H!"

Man rounds next curve.

Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If only men would listen!

These facts from Marilyn Magid are well worth repeating:

NUTRITION FACTS

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.

CONCLUSION - Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

ED. NOTE: French language lessons start next week.

Catherine Green sends an updated twist on an old one:

THE COWBOY AND THE CITY BOY

An Alberta cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then he says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

Jack Peaker says we all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are:

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice ... loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches.)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him/her.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourself. Live while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

And if you don't send this to at least four people - who cares? But do share this with someone.

Miriam Ockenden sends the story of an

OLD GIRLFRIEND

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush

restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Don Henderson sends these examples of why

WHY ATHLETES DON'T HAVE REAL JOBS:

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful.)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin'.)

ED. NOTE: Surely some of these quotes were spoken in jest!

AS IF WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

Marilyn Magid forwards this URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr23tpWX8lM&eurl

To which Jay adds: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gExE5YKMjE

The latter is in German with English subtitles, but it is scary enough in translation.

You can also read this newsletter online athttp://members.shaw.ca/vjsansum/

The mistake a lot of politicians make is in forgetting they've been appointed and thinking they've been anointed. - Claude D. Pepper