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IN THIS ISSUE

• Gerrit de Leeuw's family finds a final refuge from the war
• Jack Peaker reminds us that Daylight Savings Time starts tomorrow
• Burke Dykes sends a story about a devious woman
• Don Henderson recirculates some atrocious puns
• Catherine Green tells how to make a redneck security device
• Jackie Stevens retells the story of the Garden of Eden
• Anita Henderson explains the advantages of dogs over wives
• Miriam Ockenden sends a parody on Kipling's 'If'
• Rafiki's story illustrates why attitude is everything
• Carol Shoemaker and Jack Peaker suggest websites

Gerrit de Leeuw's family finds a place to wait for liberation in his

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

How long we stayed in this place I do not remember. The next place we moved to was a summer cottage of four adjoining two-room units with one bathroom in the hall. It was located in a wooded area with small hills. We stayed in this residence till we returned home to Arnhem after the liberation of Holland.

Two little rooms were shared by a family of eight. One room was used as a bedroom with two beds. Five kids slept in one bed, three boys one way and two sisters the other. The smallest child (Nel) slept with mom and dad. The other room was used as a living room-kitchen. The stove doubled for cooking and heating. It was a little pot-bellied stove which was kept red hot during cold winter days to provide some comfort. That no one received any burns in such small quarters is a miracle.

As children we were relatively happy there. A child's happiness is relative to his/her past experiences. We had no school and were free to roam all day in the forest, cutting down the thinner trees (illegally) for firewood and also for reinforcement walls and roofs for the huts we built. These huts were so strong that we could stand on top of them when we played 'war' with kids from a nearby orphanage who wanted to take over our huts.

There was a time that it was rumoured we had to go to school, which depressed me because I despised school ever since a spinster school teacher hit me across the fingers with a wooden ruler and I did not have a clue what for. The location were I sat in my school desk and how the teacher looked is still vivid in my mind. We did go to school for a short time, but to our delight, it did not last.

I had one of the most embarrassing and scaring experiences during our stay there. One has to keep in mind the diet at the time.

Among other things, dad had a treat for us. He got some sugar beets. These were ground down and boiled into syrup. The leftover is a coarse pulp consisting of nothing but fibre tissue without any nutrition. The syrup was a delight. The pulp we were forced to eat as a vegetable, providing no flavor and no nutrition, but it acted as a laxative on children who had an excess of fibre in their diet and we had the runs constantly. I remember Joop, my older brother, refusing to eat it. My dad, being headstrong and not able to provide us with anything more nutritious, was so angered he grabbed Joop by the back of his head and pushed his face into the plate with the pulp mixture. One has to understand the pressures the parents were under in order to take such drastic disciplinary measure. Not being able to provide enough food to keep six children's bellies full was no small worry. Under these circumstances it is easy for me to forgive and forget these actions and see only love and concern in his behaviour.

Our location was close to town and again, to a railroad station, which brings me to my next two memories. This was during the time that we briefly had to go to school in town. It was about a 20- minute walk, which was no problem except for the lack of proper footwear. We wore a lot of wooden shoes with anything nailed under the soles to make them last longer. Anything from an old piece of rubber tire to bacon rinds were used. The result was that often the nails came through the already thin bottom of the wooden shoes, making it difficult to walk, and complicating things for mother, who had to darn socks because the holes appeared quickly.

The school attendance lasted only a few days or weeks, I am not sure. One thing I do remember. It is not the nicest thing to mention, but it is still fresh in my mind and was a great embarrassment to me. It most likely did not help me to attain self confidence for many years. Keep in mind that I was a very nervous, shy and insecure kid.

The previously described diet made a miserable impact on our bowel movements. Walking home one day, the cramps started and the need arose. I, being so shy and insecure, kept on running home. Any one in their right mind would have known that I could not have made it. Consequently the disaster happened. I soiled myself right down to my shoes. In my whole life I can not remember coming home so embarrassed. My mom and my oldest sister Adrie (again) cleaned me up and tried to calm me down, but their faces told me the whole story. Adrie, being the oldest, was often left with unpleasant tasks to perform.

On another occasion we were gathering wood for our stove with the same pushcart we left town with. We had it loaded with firewood and were on our way home on the highway. Close to the railroad station, small fighter planes appeared and started strafing the station. One can imagine the fear this instilled in us. We ran all for the bush except Riek, my second-oldest sister. She had the common sense to crawl under the two-foot-high loaded cart and had the safest shelter. Dad commented later that she was very smart to think so quickly.

Another upheaval came our way towards the end of the war. A division of the German army decided to dig parking spots into the hilly terrain for their vehicles and tools of war all around our residence. It was an ideal way for the retreating forces to camouflage their equipment. There was much discussion among the four residents of the complex about whether or not we should move. We stayed. The decision must have been made with the knowledge that the war was coming to an end.

To be continued.

Jack Peaker reminds us that

DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME STARTS ON MARCH 11

Your version of Windows (or Linux, MacOS, PalmOS on a PDA, Windows on a Pocket PC, or whatever) includes the programming to change the computer's time to switch to and from Daylight Saving Time. That information is country-specific, so it's part of the country information in Windows.

But, if you do not take action, your computer will not change on the correct date.

What's the effect? Probably, it's pretty minor. Your most noticeable aspect would be the clock is wrong for a few weeks. Also, the time stamp in your emails will be wrong for a few weeks.

That's probably why Microsoft has chosen not to send out the updated Daylight Saving Time programming as a high-priority update. The update is available at Microsoft's site and you have to go get it yourself.

Microsoft's page Daylight Saving Time Help and Support Center will direct you to their different information pages based on whether you are a home user, workplace user, IT professional, developer, small and medium business user, a Microsoft partner or have a handheld device that uses Windows.

If you select the Home User option (the default), the web site will step you through the process of updating the Windows timezone settings.

ED. NOTE: Or you can let time run its course and catch up with the change in a couple of weeks.

Burke Dykes tells the story of

THE WRECK

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL: Women are clever and evil. Don't mess with them.

Don Henderson says some of these are so old they're new again ...

PUN INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

13. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

14. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Bruce Galway sends the story of

TWO NICELY DRESSED LADIES

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the JFK airport.

The first lady was an arrogant New York woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the New York woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh Good Lord! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?'"

Catherine Green tells us

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM REDNECK STYLE

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Jackie Stevens forwards this version of the story of

THE GARDEN OF EDEN

Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that, Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that, Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."

Anita Henderson evens the score after that story about the Garden of Eden:

REASONS WHY MEN HAVE TWO DOGS AND NOT TWO WIVES:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don´t hate it.
4. Dogs don´t notice if you call them by another dog´s name
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog´s parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can´t talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog! ; they´re ready to go 24 hours a day
13. Dogs find you amusing when you´re drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won´t hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don´t get mad. They just think it´s interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don´t let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale´s or Neiman-Marcus. And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won´t take half of your stuff.

Miriam Ockenden forwards these related thoughts on

INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend´s limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the family dog!

- Author Unknown

Rafiki sends this story about

ATTITUDE

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-m-m," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today!" So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror, and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Carol Shoemaker suggests checking out Snopes' site for information on last week's article about

IDENTITY THEFT

http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/cardscams.asp

SOMETHING TO WHILE AWAY AN IDLE HOUR

Jack Peaker recommends this site for a game of miniature golf. Watch out for the 18th hole - it's a killer!

http://www.jugglermagician.co.uk/Games/miniput.htm

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." - Madeleine L'Engle