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IN THIS ISSUE

• Gerrit de Leeuw comes to the end of his reminiscences
• Jean Sterling and Verda Cook write to us
• Don Henderson resurrects the original Hollywood Squares
• Jack Peaker sends a story about some difficult conversions
• Marilyn Magid forwards this embarrassing episode
• Rafiki's story is about the nature of peace
• Catherine Green reminds us of the basic rules for writing

Gerrit de Leeuw concludes his story of how a Dutch family coped with WWII:

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

It was time to return to our home in Arnhem. I don't know how, but mom and, I think, Audrie, did go to the house at some point during our absence. Reporting on their trip home, I remember them telling that they were scared to enter. They entered the house through the front door on the west side and were not aware of the damage that had been done on the south-east corner of the house. Upon entering the house and trying to open the entrance door to the living room, they found it would not open, and they were afraid that there might be a dead soldier blocking it. Upon further investigation, they discovered that during our absence, a grenade had hit the corner of the house and rubble was blocking the entrance door. Before we returned, the damage was covered with canvas in order to make the house livable. It was not till much later that the damage was repaired.

The person who owned the meat market where dad worked occasionally owned a horse and one-horse cart. Dad arranged to get the use of them for our return home at a pre-arranged time. The only thing about the arrangement I remember is hearing to be sure to rest the horse several times because of the distance to be covered and the load to be pulled. To make it easier on the horse, we had to walk most of the way.

A permit to return to the city was required because every resident had to go through a disinfecting procedure in order to prevent an outbreak of what I believe was scurvy. I remember a school building was used for this. We had to strip totally, hand in our clothes for disinfecting, and were rubbed (by health staff) from top to toe with some yellow substance which had a very pungent smell.

Shortly after settling back in Arnhem, we children loved going to the bombed and burned-out neighbourhoods to watch workers knock down and pull over standing walls which were in danger of collapsing. All 'puin' (rubble) was carted off to the a two-kilometer stretch along the river Rhine, where men found work cleaning each brick of the old mortar with an axe-like tool. These cleaned bricks were later used in rebuilding inside walls. At the time, all houses were constructed with an inside wall and then an outside brick wall.

This was also the time I discovered that the hype over the beauty of movie stars was a total fallacy. Clark Gable and Lana Turner came to town for a movie to be filmed on location. Don't ask me the title of the movie, but judging by the location chosen, it must have been a war movie. It was a real occasion, and large crowds, including me, went down to the area. I happened to see Clark and Lana close up and got the biggest disappointment of my life. Clark Gable had a real pockmarked face; Lana Turner looked artificial in all the 'paint' she had on her face. Up to that age I had never seen makeup on a woman because it simply had not been available. All in all, I came away thinking that the Dutch girls looked much more attractive, and later on when I happened to see Clark Gable in a movie, I wondered how they made him look so good.

I will finish with my recollection of the first real store-bought present/toy I ever received. We returned to Arnhem during the first half of the year and my birthday is in July. By that time, some stores were opened again and ready for business with the limited supplies they had. For my birthday, mom took me downtown to a toy store. The windows were covered with a double black tar-like cardboard with little round holes in it. Broken glass was glued between the two layers and the little circles provided the light. It was to be a real treat and I could pick what I wanted. I chose a box of building blocks. It was a very crude set of block. The blocks were fairly large and there were only enough to make a little square structure. There was a piece of thick paper which was to be folded double for a cottage-style roof. I even remember the paper being green. This box of blocks was the first real bought toy I ever had up to then and needless to say, I treasured it for many years. For sentimental reasons, I wish that it was still in my possession.

In summary:

A lot has changed in my life since I was a child. When I hear present day youth and adults who have jobs and everything they need to sustain life complain about stress and pressures, it is not always easy to keep from commenting that they don't know what real stress is. I wrote in a previous paragraph: 'A child's happiness is relative to his/her past experiences'; they in turn have no past experiences to compare their stress and pressures to. When we try to talk about experiences to the younger generation, we hear the comment, "Here we go again about the olden days!" all too often. I am convinced that if we could make them listen to the stories of their grandparents' growing up during World War I, and then establishing and raising families during the depression and World War II, they in turn would live happier, more thankful lives.

I am grateful that I have seen some positive results from my writing. My eldest son, who is a teacher, printed out a copy (which included some historical family pictures which were omitted here due to the publishing limitations of the 'Tale Spinner'). He placed a copy on his coffee table as reading material for guests. This has resulted in some very positive comments. I am also grateful to the readers who responded with equally kind comments. It touched my heart, and therefore, a heartfelt THANK YOU.

A special thanks goes to Jean Sansum, our editor, for helping me to edit this story.

CORRESPONDENCE

Jean Sterling comments on one of Gerrit de Leeuw's sentence: "This understanding was of great help in later life in overcoming prejudice and feelings of contempt towards German people, so readily acquired during childhood years."

My dad was in WW1, and I remember when I was growing up he would sometimes refer to Germans as "Krauts" - not a complimentary word, to say the least. When I had my first child, a neighbor who lived around the corner from me was a German WW1 veteran, and I had occasion to introduce my dad to this neighbor. I remember they shook hands and chatted a bit. I don't recall what was said, but I do remember thinking that they had both shared the same military experience, though on different sides, and now saw each other as individuals, not part of an enemy army. In a war, the enemy has to be dehumanized, otherwise they couldn't kill each other.

ED. NOTE: Quote from a John McDermott song - "On both ends of the rifle, we're the same."

Verda Cook writes about

A RELUCTANT SPRING

Our weather has bounced between wanting to be springlike and then retreating to winter. I wish it would make up its mind. The recent sunshine has melted the snow so that the snowdrops are now visible above the snow-covered flowerbeds. In a few places, the primulas can also be seen. Spring arrived officially this week, and with sap buckets hanging from trees and a few flowers visible, I have to believe that spring is really arriving, even though it does not feel like it. The temperature in the greenhouse now rises to over 90 deg. F during the daytime, and I need to open the ventilators. Our three-year-old granddaughter refers to it as a Tropical House, and she dances with delight among the flowers.

Hope your spring will be more pleasant than the autumn you experienced last year.

ED. NOTE: Don't get me started!

Don Henderson reminds us of the heady days when game shows were spontaneous, not scripted as they are now: This went around years ago, but most people our age forget anyway, so here it is again. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette): Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not; I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Jack Peaker tells the story of

A PRIEST, A PENTECOSTAL PREACHER, AND A RABBI

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and has various bandages, spoke first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising The Lord."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Marilyn Magid forwards this story of

A NEW YORK CITY GIRL

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for the bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't make it.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends!"

Rafiki sends this

MESSAGE OF PEACE

There once was a King who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the Message of Peace - the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them.

One picture was a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around it; overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell, and in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the king looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest ... perfect peace.

The king chose the second picture. Do you know why? "Because," explained the King, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

Catherine Green sends these rules for aspiring writers:

HOW TO WRITE REAL GOOD

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It Is wrong to ever split an infinitive, in spite of what the Oxford Dictionary now says!

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

8. Be more or less specific.

9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Profanity is for goddam idiots.

26. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.

27. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

28. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

29. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.

30. Puns are for children, not for groan readers.

31. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

32. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

33. Who needs rhetorical questions?

34. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally...

35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Inspired by the comparison between cars and computers, Jay came up with this gem: If cars were like printers, they would be great, do everything; but when you ran out of gas, you would just buy a new car as the fill-up would cost almost as much as a new car that came with a full tank.