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IN THIS ISSUE

• Kate Brookfield continues her story of a visit to Green Island
• Geoff Goodship is really annoyed at losing his breakfast
• Carol Shoemaker and Jean Sterling comment on a recent article
• Catherine Green forwards an article about Cuba´s sustainability
• Warning! Awful puns ahead!
• Websites are suggested by Bruce Galway, Marco de Muinck, and Tom Telfer

Kate Brookfield continues her description of a trip to

GREEN ISLAND, TAIWAN

Finally we boarded the ferry, and as it was crowded, we went to the upper deck so we could stand outside and take photos of the shore as we left. While we were finding a seat, we saw two dolphins dancing in the water near the ferry. I love boat journeys, so I couldn´t wait to get on the deck. We dumped our packs on a seat and made for the outside, but when we got there, we could not stand. Despite all the practice we have had at keeping our balance on the lurching buses as they start and stop, we could not keep our balance on the rolling deck. The swell was rough and we were tossed from one side of the rail to the other. We took a couple of photos then made it back inside just as the staff came to make people come into the cabin.

For the first time in my life, I felt sea sick. I managed to hold it in, but many people around me were not so lucky. The waves were high and the ferry was riding the huge troughs and it suddenly occurred to me why the fairground ride is called a ´roller coaster.´ Seated behind us were three Tibetan monks and one of them was bringing up all he had eaten that day with a lot of noise. Beside each seat was a container with lots of plastic bags. It was not a pleasant 50-minute trip! I was thankful again that we did not go to Orchid Island, which would have been a three-hour boat journey.

I have never been so glad to get off a boat. As we disembarked we walked past the crowd waiting to get on the ferry to return to the mainland. They all looked so happy and relaxed, not knowing what was in store for them! We soon found our driver holding the card with Michael´s name and we were driven to our hotel. Our room was pleasant, with three large windows looking out to the ocean and a side window that faced the main street. In fact, there was only one road, with shops and houses on either side.

Green Island is only 16 square kilometers. It is an island formed from undersea volcanic action, with a curved and complex coastline. Coastal beach terraces and cliffs drop to colourful coral reefs filled with many kinds of exotic tropical fish. Along the shoreline, the waves break in white spray against the rocky crags. A 17.5-km road runs round the outer edge of the island, with a branch road traversing half of the island, but it ends in a trail that can only be travelled by foot.

Our tourist package included the rental of a scooter, but initially, we had planned not to use it. In our drive from the harbour, we had noticed the hoards of young tourists riding up and down the road on scooters in large convoys. We had come for a peaceful leisurely holiday and we like to walk, so the thought of driving about on a scooter did not appeal to us.

On our first morning, we walked up the road to the lighthouse. After we passed the row of restaurants and shops near the hotel, there was nothing much of interest to see on the walk along a paved road. The first place we came to was the government prison, which is still in use. Again, nothing much to see except a large group of buildings surrounded by a fence with razor wire on top. The lighthouse was just beyond the prison, so we stopped there and took photos. It was very hot and by the time we walked back to our hotel we were ready for a siesta.

I was feeling a bit disappointed as I could not see where we could swim and snorkel. The literature had said the island was a paradise for swimming and snorkeling. But in front of our hotel there were big concrete blocks on the beach as storm breakers. Also there was no sand, just coral bed which can rip your flesh off. The many coral reefs made swimming dangerous as the currents could pull you onto the coral. So after some lunch, Michael decided to explore the island on the scooter to find the swimming areas. I thought he had better get used to the scooter before I was getting on it, so I chose to meander around on foot.

I ended up walking halfway round the island along the road. I was the only person walking; everybody else was riding about on scooters and a few cars. The road is signposted with kilometer signs with 0 at the tourist office. Our hotel was between the 7- and 8-km marker. I walked to between the 13- and 14-km signs.

Just past the harbour where the ferry comes in was the area marked on the map as the snorkeling area. There were crowds of people in groups with an instructor for each group. All were dressed in wet suits, with masks and snorkels. They looked like kindergarten children walking together holding on to the rope as each person was holding a life buoy with one hand and the other hand was holding a rope which kept the group together. From a distance, they looked like long strands of black seaweed floating on the water. The noise of chatter, screams, laughter, and general human noises from all the groups was unbelievable. I am surprised any fish stayed around to be seen! Certainly not my idea of snorkeling. I like to go out on my own and free swim. One of the attractions of snorkeling is the silence and watching the fish going about their activities. But signs everywhere warned of the danger of swimming unless with an authorized instructor. I think this might be a recent law as there were t-shirts for sale in the shops with the message "When can we swim again at Green Island."

I continued walking, admiring the beautiful views and enjoying the sight and sound of the ocean. By the time I passed the 13-km sign, the sun was starting to set and I realized that there was no way I would get round the island, so I hitched a ride back with a car. The young men who gave me a lift told me they were "sea priests", which is their name for coast guards.

To be concluded.

Geoff Goodship tells us about

THE NEW TERRORIST SECRET WEAPON: YOGURT

Passing through Vancouver Airport recently, I noted that Security no longer requires passengers to remove their shoes. I remarked about this to a young female security officer. She explained how pleased she was that her union had recently won this concession. No longer would she and her workmates "endure the stench." Apparently this occupational hazard has led to a newly-recognized condition known as Aromatic Shoe Syndrome (nice acronym). It´s not up there with asbestosis; however, it has appeared in medical journals as a possible cause of permanent olfactory insensitivity.

My very careful and cautious wife was also in for a surprise at the security gate. Apparently knitting needles and nail files are no longer seen as potential terrorist weapons. I didn´t have the nerve to ask, but perhaps that applies only to elderly ladies under five- foot-four. Come to think of it, I can´t remember when the last female, retired or otherwise, hijacked an airliner with a pair of knitting needles.

Leaving Montreal, we learned about the latest terrorist threat: yogurt. Our flight left Pierre Trudeau Airport at 9 a.m.. which meant we needed to be there during the morning rush hour. Knowing how long the lineups can be at the food kiosks, my better half had the foresight to purchase two yogurts ahead of our arrival at the airport.

We had our e-tickets, had chosen our e-seats online, and with e- boarding passes in hand we headed to Security. That´s where the fun began. The attendant looked nervous, as if he was about to call for armed reinforcements. I couldn´t believe it when Security confiscated my breakfast. I had no idea that yogurt was so dangerous. My breakfast, my yogurt, was confiscated! Gone in a flash!

At first I was furious. "But that´s my breakfast!" I protested. My good wife countered with, "Are you planning to walk to Vancouver?"

In my younger days it was not unknown to lose one´s breakfast, but at my age? "What have you got against yogurt?" I shouted. I felt a strong tug on my arm. Fortunately, it was not the gendarmes, but my wife. "You´re embarrassing!" she hissed.

I fumed for another 50 yards as she dragged me down the concourse. She stopped at Starbuck´s, where she bought another two containers of yogurt.

Wives seem able to overcome life´s traumas better than husbands.

CORRESPONDENCE

Carol Shoemaker writes: I am in full agreement with Dick Mongahan´s restaurant rant, but he did forget to mention that the music which is so much better at home is also SO MUCH quieter as well. I go to a restaurant to eat and converse with my dinner companions, not to be deafened by the music. Maybe we could start a movement for less noise in public places. I do not need music every minute of the day. I can shop, get my hair cut, eat, fill my gas tank, all without music. It must be why I like to go to the library, for peace and quiet.

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On the same subject of restaurants, Jean Sterling writes: Dick needs to give the "wait staff" an "organ recital" when they ask how he is.

Catherine Green forwards this interesting story of

HOW ENVIRONMENTAL CONSERVATION HELPED SAVE CUBA

Extreme poverty is often accompanied by environmental degradation, social unrest, and poor public health. Cuba, however, presents an unusual case of a country that in its worst economic times pushed for greater conservation, and thereby enhanced its long-term environmental and economic security.

After being hit with a severe economic crisis following the collapse of the Soviet Union, Cuba pushed for alternative agricultural practices, established new nature preserves and marine conservation legislation, and aggressively pursued energy-saving policies. Though born of necessity, Cuba´s reduction of energy consumption enhanced the health of the environment and freed up economic resources for social programs such as public education and healthcare.

Because the country managed to maintain rates of life expectancy, infant mortality, and literacy comparable to those of the United States and Great Britain, while the contraction of domestic industry slashed carbon emissions, the World Wildlife Fund cited Cuba as the only country that has achieved sustainable development.

Cuba´s experience serves as a useful example to other economically struggling countries for how to address the immediate needs of the population despite economic hardship, while preserving the natural resources necessary for prolonged development.

Hold your nose - here come some perfectly dreadful

PUNS

Once upon a time there was a young entrepreneur named Bill Tate who wanted to go into business for himself. He decided that he would mass- produce a hiker´s compass. Being on a limited budget, Tate figured he would be able to make more money if he spent most of his budget on advertising and only a minimal amount on the compass production. His idea worked - hikers from all over the country were buying his inexpensive compass. After a few months, however, the compasses started to fall apart because of the poor quality, which led many to the remark: "He who has a Tate´s is lost."

An African chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the witch doctor to his hut. After a brief examination, the medicine man cut off a thong of antelope hide from his belt and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of leather every day. After one month, the witch doctor returned, and asked how the chief was feeling. The chief answered, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I´m a teepee; then I´m a wigwam; then I´m a teepee; then I´m a wigwam. It´s driving me crazy. What´s wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It´s very simple. You´re two tents."

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious ... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that´s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It´s eaten away your upper plate. I´ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It´s simple. Everyone knows that there´s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first roll, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don´t worry, someday your prints will come."

A farmer woke up one morning, and there in his backyard he saw a gigantic strawberry that had sprung up overnight. He decided that it must be worth a fortune, since it was several feet in diameter and several feet high, so he looked in the yellow pages for someone to estimate the value of this strawberry. He found someone, who showed up in a battered old pickup truck. The estimator went out into the backyard with the farmer and said, "I think this is worth several thousand dollars." Just then the phone rang inside the farmhouse. It was the farmer´s Aunt Agnes. Well, Aunt Agnes loved to talk and talk, so it was a good 20 minutes before the farmer could get off the phone. He went out the back door, but the strawberry had vanished! Going around to the front, he could see the strawberry in the back of the pickup truck, which was kicking up dust as the estimator sped away. The farmer ran after the truck, shouting, "What are you doing? You´re stealing my valuable strawberry!" The driver shouted back, "I´ve come to seize your berry, not appraise it!"

A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not only were there thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs .... real hounds, to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and decided they would solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their problem.

However, this action proved disastrous for the neighbouring town of Lieden. Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich, they didn´t have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and complain. As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise came from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as to who was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up, claiming he knew the answer. He took a deep breath and said....

"The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway sends this site which shows the speed traps in the US and Canada:

www.speedtrap.org/speedtraps/stetlist.asp

Bruce also writes that Telus will donate a dollar every time someone takes this quiz:

http://about.telus.com/community/community_boards/en/wegive/take-the-quiz.html

Marco de Muinck suggests the Canadian version of EBay. Insert the city of your choice in the URL: http://vancouver.kijiji.ca/

Tom Telfer says if you haven´t seen the act before, the human slinky is intriguing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh1cvSb1YjA&feature=related

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilized music in the world. - Peter Ustinov