Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2016-48

---

IN THIS ISSUE

• Maurice Audet finishes his story about his life in China
• From HeroicStories, here is the tale of an old cane
• Burke Dykes forwards an airline dictionary
• Shirley Conlon shares thoughts about keepers
• Marilyn Magic sends rules for clotheslines
• Barbara Wear forwards miscellaneous information
• Irene Harvalias sends an article on lost words
• Sites are suggested by Catherine Nesbitt, Shirley Coutts, and Tom Telfer

Maurice Audet had just arrived in Bejing in his account of

LIFE IN CHINA AFTER THE WAR

In Beijing, I looked for a place to stay, and was offered a job at Fu Jen University, similar to the one I had in Kirin. Beijing was a delight to live in. The Forbidden City, surrounded by a moat, smack in the middle of the city, was a good place to spend free time. On weekends, the Summer Palace, nine miles out, was my favourite haunt. A lake, fed by springs, buildings displaying unique pieces of art, and restful hills attracted thousands weekly. In the city itself were hundred of temples and interesting places to visit.

After taking the North, the Reds went for the jugular, Beijing. They occupied the hills and started a lengthy squeeze. When I arrived in the capital, an American dollar was worth 70,000 yen. A year later, it was 12,000,000 yen. Both sides were buying their supplies from the same sources, each offering more than the other every day. You´ll never see such rapid inflation.

One weekend, a Dutchman and an American asked me to join them for a bicycle spin outside the city. In the country, roads sometimes became paths, in sorghum fields. Sorghum grows like corn. We reached a shallow river. I asked an old peasant who occupied the next village, "Nationalists or Reds?" "I couldn´t tell you." His answer implied that he knew, but did not dare tell it to foreigners, especially foreigners wearing khaki pants and shirts. We waded across, and I took the lead. Approaching the village, I was leery of the quietness. Usually children were playing and there was a lot of activity. I told my companions that I would like to return to Beijing.

They suggested that we returnwest of the village. I walked beside my bicycle, looking for clues. Then I spotted a straw hat and a gun sticking out over the top of a hill. I yelled, "Guerillas!" and jumped on my bike, spun around, and headed for the sorghum fields. The other two hesitated, trying to make up their minds. Shots were fired, and they were caught.

By now, I was under cover and kept spinning as hard as I could. Three days later, my peeved friends returned to Beijing. They had been taken to the hills, interrogated and released. After learning who I was, the officer had wired to Kirin. The head of the English Department had become the governor of the province. He had helped me to turn my belongings into gold. He asked the officer to greet me after capturing Beijing.

I did not wait for the greetings. I wore all the clothes I could and carried a small bundle of spares. At night, I went to the airport in search of a Chenault flyer going to Shanghai. At the gate, a patrol of guards stopped me. I tried my best Chinese jokes on them. It worked; they let me through.

One plane was loading crates of Chinese art treasures for Shanghai and Taiwan. I climbed the ladder, circled around the strapped crates, and sat in a bucket seat. The plane rumbled and started forward. Then it stopped abruptly in front of a jeep containing seven Chinese officers. They came aboard, each with a leather suitcase, and stood in the tail section. The plane took off, coughed, nearly choked. The pilot managed to bounce back on the runway. The cockpit door opened. "We are overloaded," said the pilot. He wired to the headquarters and the unlucky seven were ordered down, luggage and all. Somebody came around the crates; I pulled my collar over my face, and simulated sleeping. He stepped over me without asking any question.

At 2:00 a.m. the plane came to a stop in Shanghai. An officer was checking on the tarmac. He asked for my ticket. I told him I didn´t have one. "Wait here," he said and continued his work. I sneaked in the dark to a huge shed containing hundreds of crates. I found one, well hidden, in the middle, and fell asleep.

Around 6:00, I peeked out and saw a truck unloading more treasures. When the driver and his helper were about to leave, I jumped into the rear. We passed the gates towards town. At one stop, I left them and headed for the American consulate to put my name on the evacuation list. Within three days I was in the air, going home.

It was an evacuation "bucket" provided by the Americans. On board was a crew of five and nearly 70 passengers, mostly Cantonese with British passports. The Chinese lady next to me held a child in her arms. As soon as we took off, she became ill. I yielded my seat and stretched out on a blanket, on the floor next to the central emergency door. A chap joined me to play cards. I served coffee out of a thermos I had filled in Shanghai.

Our first stop was Guam. It was Christmas eve. We left without the stewardesses; they had been commandeered for Christmas. When the time came to feed the passengers, volunteers took over the service. The co-pilot seemed somewhat impaired. Then we hit the tail of a typhoon. The plane made sudden ups and downs, as if dropping into pockets, or heaved on a shelf. There seemed to be no air pressure control. One passenger came back from the washroom smelling like one. We had hit a pocket; only in Hawaii could he take a shower and change clothes.

After Hawaii was Los Angeles. It looked so beautiful at night, from above. In Vancouver, I managed to hop out among the first to rush to a desk for a transfer to Montreal. It worked. Enough passengers got off in Edmonton to allow me to stretch out for a greatly-needed sleep. A stewardess commented that I looked rather worn out. When she heard the reason, she prepared me a bed between two seats.

I woke up in Montreal and took a cab home. My parents had heard, I do not know from where, that I was returning on a stretcher, in rather bad shape. They were flabbergasted when I knocked at the door and yelled, "Anybody home? Merry Christmas!"

Byron Thorson of Hammond, Louisiana, wrote this tale for HeroicStories:

AN OLD WOODEN CANE

I was 23 and had just started a new job in a large Midwestern city a little before Thanksgiving. At the time, I am sorry to say, I had a serious attitude problem toward many things, including old people and people who rode the bus. However, since I didn´t have a car, I had to take the crowded bus myself. One day after work a little old lady boarded, carrying a huge shopping bag. Nobody offered her a seat except me.

Two months later an ice storm hit. After work on my way to the bus stop I slipped on some ice and badly twisted my ankle and knee. My intense pain was evident, but nobody offered me a seat. Nobody, that is, except that same old lady. This time she didn´t have a shopping bag, just a wooden cane. I was extremely grateful - there was no way I could have stayed on my feet for the 30-minute ride home.

When my stop came, she gave me her cane and got off the bus with me. I was shocked. This ancient woman helped me get to my apartment and asked for first aid supplies. While she was bustling around, she told me her friends called her Miss Gladys, and that she was 93 years old. She told me she had been a registered nurse, and that my ankle was sprained, while my knee had possible ligament and cartilage damage.

While waiting for a friend to take me to the clinic, she and I sat around and ate cookies, drank soft drinks, and talked. She was bright, funny, and energetic, and I honestly had not thought old people could be that way. When my friend arrived, I still had her cane in my hands. I handed it back to her, but she said, "You keep it. I have more." The clinic confirmed her diagnosis and said she probably saved me from major surgery.

Miss Gladys devoted her life to helping others and there is no telling how many people she helped in her lifetime. I later learned she passed away in her sleep three weeks after she helped me. As far as I can tell, I was the last person she ever helped. That was over 20 years ago and now at times - when my knee bothers me - I still use that cane. Whenever I do, I feel more alive and confident, as if I can take on the world even with a bum knee.

I wish I could see Miss Gladys and thank her from the bottom of my heart for shattering the wall I had built around myself, for showing me that no one person is any better or worse than anybody else, no matter how old they are. I would also tell her that I, too, now like to help others. Perhaps that cane was meant to be passed on. It was already pretty old when I got it. Perhaps that is what I´m going to do.

ED. NOTE: To comment on this story, or to get your own membership, click on

Burke Dykes forwards examples from the

AIRLINE DICTIONARY

CARRY-ON BAGGAGE - An item of unusually large dimensions that only fits under the seat when travelling to your destination, never on your return trip home. (Refrigerators, motorcycles, console TVs and Toyotas are not considered acceptable carry-on baggage.)

FLIGHT SCHEDULE - This airline word phrase is an entertaining fictional work designed to provide a place for adverting copy of related businesses.

ALTERNATE AIRPORT - The special target landing area just beyond the active runway used when your engine fails upon takeoff.

PRE-BOARD - Any passenger who needs assistance with boarding, who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure time. One of the original words in the airline dictionary.

PASSENGER - A herding creature of widely varying intelligence, usually found in pairs or small groups. They are sometimes known to become vicious and violent in simple, easily-rectified situations. When frightened or confused, creatures collect into a group called a line, with no set pattern, often formed in very inconvenient places. Passengers often fall into one of four known species: Paxus Iratus, Paxus Latus, Paxus Inebriatus, or Paxus Stupifi.

SIGN - An airport decoration which usually goes unnoticed except by small children. Often filled with airline-specific words, like "ticketed passengers only," or "First Class."

A.T.C. - This acronym is short for the airline words Air Traffic Control. It is a game played by pilots and air traffic controllers. Neither group knows the rules, but it is played to prevent flights from being on time.

"THIS POSITION CLOSED" - "CLOSED" - or "NEXT POSITION" - A ticket counter sign interepreted by passengers to mean: "Form Line Here." These airline words were added to the airline dictionary back in the 1960s.

FOG - A natural weather phenomenon usually occurring around airports while surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by airlines to delay flights. Fog is not to be confused with "bog," a wet, spongy area near surrounding wetlands.

TICKET AGENT or CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT- A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of a pack of pedigree Australian sheepdogs, the understanding of a psychoanalyst, the extra-sensory abilities of Uri Geller, the tact of Henry Kissinger, mystical abilities to control wind, rain, and fog, and the ability to answer three questions at the same time out of one mouth. In later life, usually seen in bars or carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves in parks and rest homes.

Shirley Conlon forwards this thoughtful piece:

KEEPERS

I, like many of you, grew up with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen before they had a name for it. My father was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. You would see them sitting and talking over coffee or tea as the kids played in the yard.I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt, and a hat, and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other.

It was the time for fixing things: a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, testing TV tubes, mending the screen door, the oven door, the hem of a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing - I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there´d always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer´s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn´t any more.

Sometimes what we care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return. So while we have it, it´s best we love it, and care for it, and fix it when it´s broken, and heal it when it´s sick.

This is true for marriage, and old cars, and children with bad report cards; for dogs with bad hips, and aging parents, and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep. Like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with.There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special, so we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a "keeper," so I´ve sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it´s your turn to send this to those people who are "keepers" in your life.

Good friends are like stars - you don´t always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!God won´t have to ask how many people you forwarded this to; He already knows your decision.

Marilyn Magid says you have to be a certain age to appreciate this.

THE BASIC RULES FOR CLOTHESLINES

Wash day was Monday! You never hung clothes on the weekend, or Sunday, for Heaven´s sake!

You had to wash the clothesline before hanging any clothes - walking the entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth around the lines. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hung "whites" with "whites," and hung them first. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders - always by the tail!. What would the neighbours think?

You hung the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your "unmentionables" in the middle (perverts and busybodies, y´know!)

If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.

You always gathered the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left on the lines were "tacky!"

It didn´t matter if it was sub zero weather ... clothes would "freeze-dry."

Clothes were off the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket, and ready to be ironed.

IRONED? Well, that´s a whole other subject!

Barbara Wear forwards the following information

FOR THOSE WHO NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. Oh, go ahead ... I´ll wait.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So watch your ass.)

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley´s gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you? That women are going in the right direction!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Dust in homes, offices, and other human environments contains small amounts of plant pollen, human and animal hairs, textile fibers, paper fibers, minerals from outdoor soil, burnt meteorite particles, and many other materials which may be found in the local environment.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice!

Pearls dissolve in vinegar.

The ten most valuable brand names on earth: Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds, Samsung, Intel ,and Toyota, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last: Some turtles can breathe through their butts!

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on ... and go move your toothbrush! And stop folding that darned paper!

ED. NOTE: As always, don´t believe everything you read online.

Irene Harvalias sends this piece by Richard Lederer:

LOST WORDS FROM OUR CHILDHOOD

Murgatroyd? Would you recognize the word Murgatroyd? Heavens to Murgatroyd!

The other day, a not-so-elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a jalopy, and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a jalopy?" OMG! (new phrase!) he had never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old, but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.These phrases included "Don´t touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record," and "Hung out to dry."

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We´d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right - Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn´t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop, or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when´s the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A, of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here but he isn´t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap and before we can say, Well I´ll be a monkey´s uncle! This is a fine kettle of fish! - we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof! go the words of our youth, the words we´ve left behind. We blink and they´re gone. Where have all those phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw! The milkman did it! Hey! It´s your nickel. Don´t forget to pull the chain. Knee-high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I´ll see you in the funny papers. Don´t take any wooden nickels! Heavens to Murgatroyd!

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.This can be disturbing stuff! We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child, each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.

We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist, and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It´s one of the greatest advantages of aging.

See ya later, alligator!

(Not if I see you first, crocodile!)

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Catherine Nesbitt sends this link to a video showing the results of one man´s body art, which result in creative and brilliant creatures:

Shirley Coutts forwards the URL for a video showing the agents of pollination, which are essential to the propogation of the fruits and vegetables that keep us healthy:

Tom Telfer sends this link to an old old Johnny Carson show which is very funny:

Tom also forwards the URL for a video of a master pickpocket, who picks pockets with amazing skill:

These geothermal power plants produce approximately 26% of Iceland´s energy, and meets the heating and hot water requirements of approximately 87% of all buildings in Iceland:

Mitch Craddock took seven friends to a Tennessee cabin, and while cooking bacon, found a stray dog on their porch. The group then found seven puppies nearby covered in dirt and fleas, cleaned them up, and took them home to Michigan:

Here is another instalment of Where the heck is Matt? in which Matt Harding dances with groups in many parts of the world - and he still isn´t much of a dancer!

In these dark days, here are four good-news stories to renew your hope:

In this TED talk, Sandi Toksvig tells how she helped start a new political party in Britain, the Women´s Equality Party, with the express purpose of putting equality on the ballot:

Andre Rieu conducts his orchestra and chorus in a rousing rendition of the Drinking Song from Verdi´s La Traviata:

Next week, Clyde River will appear before the Supreme Court of Canada to stop seismic blasting and protect their Arctic home. To help in their fight against Big Oil, sign this petition at

We already pay some of the highest prices in the world for internet access, and now there is a proposal to add a tax to our already-high cost. If you are concerned about the proposed tax, click on

To check out the features of the "freedictionary," which changes daily, go to