Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2016-11

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Pat Moore writes about playing cards as a hobby
• Jean Sterling comments on the GPS lady´s "recalculating"
• Betty Audet forwards examples of lexophilia
• Irene Harvalias sends an story of memory loss
• Catherine Nesbitt shares Irish jokes
• Sites are suggested by Bruce Galway, Carol Hansen, Catherine Nesbitt, Don Henderson, Gerrit de Leeuw, Irene Harvalias, Tom Telfer, and Tom Williamson

Pat Moore writes about

PLAYING CARDS

I love to play cards. My father was a master chess champion, but I never enjoyed that - he was far too good! But he also played bridge and duplicate bridge all over the world; he went on bridge tournament cruises. For quite a number of years he was a Goodwill Ambassador for Duplicate Bridge for Western Canada, so I did learn to play cards - all kinds - starting at a young age. Thank goodness, as it is a great hobby/pastime for life, and especially when you retire. I think that when you learn to play cards as a child, it becomes a lifelong pleasure, and addiction.

Fortunately, being Irish, I have Irish luck at cards, but since my Dad too was Irish, he always warned me, "Never play for money, or you will lose the luck." He did play for money, but always to raise money for a charity event.

One thrill I will always remember was a charity event my father organized. It was a huge success as Omar Shariff, the actor and addicted bridge player, was invited to attend, and people paid to either play with him or against him over the weekend event. I will never forget how piercing his black eyes were as he concentrated on his cards as he sat across the bridge table from me. We certainly raised a lot of money! it was worth every penny I paid.

I have gone to Las Vegas many times - mainly to see the floor shows, but I have gambled a bit at black jack and poker at the Golden Nugget. I always set a dollar amount, so as not to change my luck, and when I had spent that amount, I took my winnings and left to take a little side trip to San Francisco or somewhere to treat myself, while my friends stayed and lost their winnings. I got back to Vegas just in time to fly back home with them.

I have some fond memories of all the great singers and shows at Vegas, and have some pretty nice jewelry from my winnings and trips to San Francisco. I also loved to visit the antique and pawn shops in Vegas, as some great bargains are to be had there. It is so sad to see what people give up just to have more money to gamble with.

We do play a lot of cards and games here at Barrett Place, [the seniors home where Pat lives] but since we only play for pennies or quarters, I do not think that counts as playing for money. I hope not, and so far it is working as I seem to be very lucky at getting good cards. There are bridge and card games going on six nights a week, and a few afternoons if anyone is interested. We do not play as much in the summer months.

I get together with friends who have a place at Lake Sylvan, one hour away, to play cards and games . I do very well playing all their games - not because I am lucky, but because I do not drink, and they do - so I really start winning about midnight! I like wine and I really enjoy a drink after dinner, but a drink is wasted on me as it just makes me sleepy - and I do not want to miss a thing! So I just let them drink, take their money, and then in the morning I get up while they sleep in and make a special breakfast for them.

CORRESPONDENCE

Jean Sterling comments on this sentence from a story in last week´s Spinner: "I mean, the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, ´Re-calc-u-lating.´"

Jean writes: Not only that, it always seemed to me that she got increasingly sarcastic and rude with each re-calc-u-lating. The good news is that we recently bought a new GPS, and she just quietly recalculates and no longer feels the need to tell me about it. I´m guessing that Garmin must have gotten some complaints.

Betty Audet sends these examples of

LEXOPHILIA

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod´s name to Titanic. It´s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who´s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I´d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I´m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can´t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn´t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn´t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York ´s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don´t worry about old age; it doesn´t last.

Irene Harvalias forwards this story:

SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn´t remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over and over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn´t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

"Why you silly man," she replied. "I said ´Yes. Yes, I will!´ And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I´m so glad you called, because I couldn´t remember who asked me!"

Catherine Nesbitt shares these timely

IRISH JOKES

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn´t kissed his wife for 20 years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he´s very lucky, because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they´re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That´s grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I´d prefer that you use the dressing room."

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin´ in the vase on the mantlepiece?"
"No," said himself, "but I´m gettin´ closer all the time."

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

Finnegiin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ´til two o´clock in the morning. I can´t break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin´ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin´ for me to come home .

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin´ to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin´."

"O´Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife´s appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O´Ryan, "but it keeps fallin´ off!"

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane can´t handle the load, and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we´re pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We´ll lie and say we only found two"!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let´s hope it´s not the 13th."

Mick walks into Paddy´s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oh no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well, me and Mary haven´t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter...."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they´re going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I´m ready for a holiday, only this year I´m going to do it a bit different.
Three years ago I went to Spain, and Mary got pregnant.
Two years ago I went to Italy, and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca, and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?
Paddy replies, I´ll take her with me.

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "I don´t know! It´s your frigging plane!"

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I´m gonna have the day off, I´m gonna pretend I´m mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, "I´M A LIGHTBULB! I´M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The foreman shouts, "Paddy you´re mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the foreman.
"I can´t work in the dark!" says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After three hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on."

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours´ dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, "What did you do?"
Paddy replies, "I´ve put the dog in our garden. Let´s see how they like it!"

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There´s a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What´s his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

SUGGESTED SITES

Bruce Galway forwards the URL for a site with 49 photos of unusual trees. Scroll down for the pictures:

Carol Hansen sends this link to a story about a penguin which returns every year to the man who saved it after it became covered with oil:

Catherine Nesbitt suggests this video of a comical dance involving frying pans:

Catherine also sends this link to a talk by a weatherman, who should be a stand-up comedian, on growing older:

Don Henderson thinks everyone, dog lovers or not, should watch this funny video of dogs coping with stairs:

Don also recommends this video about amazing life-saving and enhancing technology coming out of Israel:

Gerrit de Leeuw forwards the URL for a story and video about hummingbirds that enjoy a heating pad:

Irene Harvalias sends this link to some beautiful impressions of our planet:

Tom Telfer directs you to this video of 12 players performing on a grand piano at the same time:

Tom Williamson forwards the URL for a video of a synchronized airshow of 100 drones in sync with a live performance of Beethoven´s Fifth Symphony in Germany:

Scambusters explains that an individual´s "existence" usually continues online after he dies, and tells how to close vulnerable online accounts after the death of a relative:

This video shows a dramatic surprise in a quiet square in Belgium:

This is what the label "free range" should mean when it comes to chicken farming and egg production:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to