Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2016-24

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Barbara Wear forwards an American´s thoughts about Britain
• Bruce Galway sends a story about Mahatma Gandhi
• Shirley Coutts´ story shows the importance of pronunciation
• Tony Lewis forwards a quiz for a lazy day
• Tom Williamson shares a tale of a last cab ride
• Sites are suggested by Barbara Wear, Shirley Conlon, and Tom Telfer

Barbara Wear forwards this article:

AN AMERICAN IN ENGLAND

The following Facebook post was written by 66-year-old American Scott Waters. Penned following a visit to the UK last summer (most of which appears to have been in Cornwall, England), Waters wrote up the various cultural differences and posted them to the world of social media. The post promptly went viral. Here´s what he had to say:

I was in England again a short while ago, mostly in small towns, and here´s some of what I learned:

* Almost everyone is very polite.
* There are no guns. How come?
* There are too many narrow stairs.
* The pubs close too early.
* The reason they drive on the left is because all their cars are built backwards.
* Pubs are not bars, they are community living rooms, and they serve some good food.
* You´d better like peas, potatoes, and sausage.
* Refrigerators and washing machines are very small.
* Everything is generally older, smaller, and shorter.
* People don´t seem to be afraid of their neighbors or the government.
* Their paper money makes sense, the coins don´t.
* Everyone has a washing machine, but driers are rare.
* Hot and cold water faucets. Remember them?
* Pants are called "trousers," underwear are "pants," and sweaters are "jumpers."
* The bathroom light is a string hanging from the ceiling.
* "Fanny" is a naughty word, as is "shag."
* All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar.
* There´s no dress code.
* Doors close by themselves, but they don´t always open.
* They eat with their forks upside down.
* The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars.
* They don´t seem to use facecloths or napkins, or maybe they´re just neater than we are.
* The wall outlets all have switches, some don´t do anything.
* There are hardly any cops or police cars.
* 5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why.
* When you do see police they seem to be in male and female pairs and often smiling.
* Black people are just people: they didn´t quite do slavery here.
* Everything comes with chips, which are French fries. You put vinegar on them.
* Cookies are "biscuits" and potato chips are "crisps."
* HP sauce is better then catsup.
* Obama is considered a hero, Bush is considered an idiot.
* After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food.
* The water controls in showers need detailed instructions.
* They can boil anything.
* Folks don´t always lock their bikes.
* It´s not unusual to see people dressed differently and speaking different languages.
* Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter.
* Nearly everyone is better educated than we are.
* If someone buys you a drink you must do the same.
* Crossing the road: "Look right, look left, look right again, and if the road is clear, walk calmly across. Do not run." They spell it out for you.
* Avoid British wine and French beer.
* It´s not that hard to eat with the fork in your left hand with a little practice. If you don´t, everyone knows you´re an American.
* Many of the roads are the size of our sidewalks.
* There´s no AC.
* Instead of turning the heat up, you put on a jumper.
* Gas is "petrol," it costs about $6 a (US) gallon, and is sold by the litre, and remember, one UK gallon equals 1.2 US gallons.
* If you speed on a motorway, you get a ticket. Not sometimes as we do here, but every time.
* You don´t have to tip, really!
* There are no guns. Very strange.
* Only 14% of Americans have a passport; everyone in the UK does.
* You pay the price marked on products because the taxes (VAT) are built in.
* Walking is the national pastime.
*Their TV picture looks and sounds much better than ours.
* They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven´t put them all back up yet.
* Everyone enjoys a good joke.
* Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere.
* Buses are frequent and regular, and local services have very complex routes.
* You can get on a bus and end up in Paris or Brussels, or even Amsterdam.
* Everyone knows more about our history than we do.
* Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good.
* The newspapers can be awful.
* Everything costs the same, but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to figure what you´re paying.
* Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses, and the closer the brewery, the better the beer.
* Butter and eggs aren´t refrigerated.
* The beer isn´t warm, each style is served at the proper temperature.
* Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.
* Excess cider consumption can be very painful.
* The universal greeting is "Cheers" (pronounced "cheeahz" unless you are from Cornwall, then it´s "chairz")
* The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, then-£1-£2-£5-£10-£20-£50 bills. There are no quarters.
* Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money.
* Cars don´t have bumper stickers.
* Many doorknobs, buildings, and tools are older than America.
* By law, there are no crappy old cars.
* When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn´t lose the "1." Things are that old.
* Dessert is pudding. Cake is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for dessert is pudding, even pudding.
* Almost all shops and offices close by 1700 (5:00 p.m.) or 1800 the latest. But unlike on the Continent, they don´t close for lunch.
* Very few people smoke; those who do often roll their own.
* You´re defined by your accent. Very strangely, accents can vary within quite short distances.
* No one in Cornwall seems to know what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is.
* Soccer is a religion, religion is a sport.
* Europeans dress better than the British, we dress worse.
* The trains work: a three minute delay is "regrettable," and you get a refund if the delay is over 15 minutes.
* Drinks don´t come with ice.
* There are far fewer fat English people.
* There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching TV.
* If you´re over 60, you get free TV and bus and rail passes.
* Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste.
* Every pub has a pet drunk.
* Their healthcare is free and it works, but they still bitch about it.
* Cake is one of the major food groups.
* Their coffee is mediocre but their tea is wonderful.
* There are still no guns.
* They have towel warmers!

* Cheers!

Bruce Galway sends this story about

MAHATMA GANDHI AT LAW SCHOOL

When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a professor by the name of Peters disliked him intensely and always displayed animosity towards him. And because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day Mr. Peters was having lunch at the University dining room when Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor said, "Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry, professor. I´ll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Peters, red with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Unhappy and frustrated, Mr. Peters asked him the following question: "Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."

Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom."

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn´t have."

Mr. Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi´s exam sheet the word "Idiot" and handed it back to him. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor, and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you autographed the sheet, but you did not give me a grade."

Shirley Coutts shares this tale of

A MISTAKE IN PRONUNCIATION

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order. "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um. I think it´s pronounced ´quiche.´"

Tony Lewis suggests having a cup of coffee and see if you can answer these

QUESTIONS FOR A LAZY DAY

1. Johnny´s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child´s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop who is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the Prime Minister´s name in 1985?

9. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers:

1. Johnny, of course.

2. Meat.

3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn´t discovered yet.

4. There is no dirt in a hole.

5. Incorrectly

6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. You can´t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. Same as is it now - Justin Trudeau.

9. You would be in second. You passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

Tom Williamson forwards the story of

THE LAST CAB RIDE

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes, I honked again.

Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift, I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.

"Just a minute," answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened.

A small woman in her 90s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase.

The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It´s nothing," I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated."

"Oh, you´re such a good boy," she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It´s not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don´t mind," she said. "I´m in no hurry. I´m on my way to a hospice."

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don´t have any family left," she continued in a soft voice. "The doctor says I don´t have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds.

She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she´d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner, and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I´m tired. Let´s go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I answered.

"You have to make a living," she said.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn´t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought.

For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don´t think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We´re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Barbara Wear sends the URL for a video of a hummingbird that was rescued by a once-feral dog:

Shirley Conlon forward this link to 10 interesting facts about the English language:

Shirley also sends this link to a video of the new Cicret Bracelet, which acts like a tablet, but on your skin. It is supposed to be available next year:

Tom Telfer suggests this site for outstanding pictures of moments that make us happy:

Three hundred South African firefighters arrive in Canada, singing before joining wildfire teams fighting the disastrous fires in northern Alberta:

Kathleen Ruff of Smithers, B.C., has been awarded a medal of honour in Quebec´s National Assembly for her work to stop Canada´s asbestos trade. Read about it at

This article shows how middle-agers are fending off dementia with healthy living:

Bold trials to kill a vicious cancer type are so successful that the FDA will fast track the treatment to patients:

From the Washington State Government Dept. of Ecology comes this video on "green building," which is seen as a key player in addressing a number of priority environmental issues and creating good-paying jobs which cannot be outsourced:

In this TED talk, Dr. Deana Wen speaks about the doctors who are paid spokesmen for drug companies, and how they reacted when she asked her fellow doctors to open up about their associations:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary," which changes daily, go to