Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2016-41

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Betty Audet shares a story her husband wrote for their son
• Tom Telfer writes about another form of bank fraud
• Tom Telfer has a holiday in the Okanagan Valley
• Barbara Wear sends a riddle for seniors
• Bruce Galway forwards some outrageous puns
• Here is my favourite autumn poem by William Wilfred Campbell
• Catherine Nesbitt sends some jokes for women
• Sites are suggested by Barbara Wear, Judith English, Marilyn Magid, and Tom Telfer

Betty Audet forwards this article written by her husband, Maurice, for their son:

A BIT OF A PAST LIFE:

I, too, was once young and restless. I boarded the "Hikawa Maru," a Japanese cargo ship stuffed with scrap metal bought in Seattle, at a very low price. The Japanese reshaped it into bullets and bombs to be returned to the Americans. As the cargo ship was heading for the sea, a speedy patrol coast guard caught up with it and ordered it to stop. A few officers climbed aboard and accused the captain of taking pictures of military installations. The captain remained stoically calm, denying the accusation. After a lengthy and, at times, rather high-pitched confrontation, the coast guard pulled away.

Near the Aleutian Islands, 30-meter waves battered the vessel, which like a mule, kept charging, head first, slowly, the cargo repeatedly struggling with masses of water, burying the front while the rudder shook the cargo before returning to its position in the sea.

In 1940, sailing on a cargo ship was comfortable and inexpensive. My cabin was spacious, with a huge tub for both soft and salt water. The Hikawa Maru could accommodate six passengers, who ate at the captain´s table. It took 14 days to reach Yokohama. As we neared the coast at night, we could see numerous small fishing boats, some of them using cormorants. There was something in the air that was quite different from Vancouver. I was in the Orient.

When we docked in Yokahama, it was "spy week." Each year, the Japanese dedicated one week to suspicion of all foreigners. Even small children would ask if you were a spy. I immediately took an overnight train for Shimonoseki, transferred to a ferry for Korea, and boarded a train for Mukden, metropolis of Manchuria. This country had been under Japanese rule since 1933.

Arriving at the Mukden railroad station was a confusing adventure. A hoard of ragmen fought for my luggage. I just made sure there was only one winner. The open cab was pulled by a lean, stunted, shaggy horse tied with an assortment of ropes. A straw bag hung under his dirty tail, for the Chinese do not waste anything, and the contents were to be used as fertilizer. At the rear was a box of fodder, not oats or grain, but a strawish mixture. The driver yelled. The poor animal just ambled a steady pace; the whip was no more effective. After years of experience, the beast had learned to take everything in stride. (I hold this straight from the horse´s mouth.)

The massive railway station and the broad avenues of the new city betrayed White Russian influence. The Japanese called it Ho Ten, the Chinese called it Feng Thien, and the foreigners, Mukden.

A strong westerly wind blew dust in my face. Stores with Russian, Japanese, and Chinese signs gave an international stamp to the city, although the atmosphere was unmistakably Chinese. The old city was separated from the new one by an antique dirt wall. Only four gates, like shady tunnels, linked it with the outside. Inside was a somewhat different world: narrow, muddy, or dusty streets, low houses hidden by dirt walls, outhouses, open stores, street peddlers noisily announcing their wares.

Mukden was a very interesting old Chinese city: deep gates on four sides, an outside modern shopping district, an international array of merchants, including White Russians, as those who had fled from the 1917 Revolution were called. The gates faced the four cardinal points. Chinese use the four cardinal points constantly. For example, you would be told that what you were looking for was in the southeast corner of the room. In the suburbs were Manchu sombre monuments and Imperial burying grounds, guarded by rows of stone elephants.

Most Chinese families lived patriarchal style, within fair-sized compounds closed in by mud, stone, wood, or bamboo walls. Side-by-side houses accommodated the whole clan. Pigs, chickens, cats, and dogs shared the yard with the children.

Most Chinese houses had dirt floors. People sat, played, and slept on a brick platform covered with straw matting. The front section was open as a heater in the cold season. Infants wore pants slit in the rear. When they cried for comfort, mothers folded them against their chests, raising their knees so that the backdoor would let them evacuate onto the dirt floor, while she was encouraging the flow with a stimulating mouth sound. Catching the aroma, mutts dashed in for their sanitary chores.

One day, bicycling on the outskirts, I stumbled into a manure market - a vast field with piles of the stuff for gardeners, at a price. Dogs were in the process of tearing corpses apart. Chinese caught smoking opium were shot in the head, next to a manure pile. Other Chinese stripped the bodies during the night. Dogs finished the clean up. (in China, dogs are not pets. They do not wear tags or collars; they are responsible for their own survival. Part of their diet consists of unusable leftovers, including feces.)

CORRESPONDENCE

Tom Telfer writes about fraud: I found a charge on my Visa bill for two cents. The bank told me that if I had not challenged it, then other charges would soon appear.

Now I am getting a new card.

Tom Telfer also describes their

TRIP TO BRITISH COLUMBIA

In September, we flew out to Kelowna to visit friends in Summerland. It was a quick flight from London, Ontario, to Toronto, and then out to Kelowna. The airlines do not bother to inspect carry-on luggage. It was amusing to watch folks trying to force cases into the overhead bins. They seemed to be hoping for a miracle.

Flying over the mountains is always breathtaking. With snow-covered peaks, we seemed to be gazing at giant ice cream sundaes.

Summerland became our home base, as we settled into a three-floor condo, with elevator, overlooking Lake Okanagan. One wanted to stand at the window and watch sailboats skimming across the waves.

One day, we took a ride on the Kettle Valley Steam Railway Train. We passed by many vineyards and picturesque hills.

A visit to the Dirty Laundry Winery is a must. Back in the 1800s, a Chinese Laundry operated with a brothel upstairs. So along with racks of bottles, there were many "naughty" knick knacks for sale.

Our friends celebrated their 64th wedding anniversary at the Pasta Factory in Penticton.

Finishing up our stay, we took a grand cruise on Lake Okanagan. It was amazing to see so many posh cottages along its shores.

With our last day in Kelowna, a visit to the White Spot for their famous chicken pot pie was a great way to end our trip.

Over the years, I have visited 35 countries, but some of the best locations are right here in Canada!

Barbara Wear forwards this

RIDDLE FOR SENIORS

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo, and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Think logically before you track down for the answer at the bottom of this newsletter.

Bruce Galway forwards these groaners because he knows I like them:

ATROCIOUS PUNS

1. ARBITRAITOR: A cook that leaves Arby´s to work at McDonald´s.

2. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

3. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees through.

4. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.

5. EYEDROPPER: Clumsy ophthalmologist.

6. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

7. COUNTERFEITER: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

8. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

9. LEFT BANK: What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

10. HEROES: What a man in a boat does.

11. PARASITES: What you see from the Eiffel Tower.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PHARMACIST: A helper on a farm.

14. POLARIZE: What penguins see through.

15. PRIMATE: Remove your spouse from in front of TV.

16. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

17. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

18. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

20. PARADIGMS: Twenty cents.

Here is my annual salute to the glories of fall, written by William Wilfred Campbell, who went to school in Owen Sound before going on to higher education:

INDIAN SUMMER

Along the line of smoky hills
The crimson forest stands,
And all the day the blue-jay calls
Throughout the autumn lands.

Now by the brook the maple leans
With all his glory spread,
And all the sumachs on the hills
Have turned their green to red.

Now by great marshes wrapt in mist,
Or past some river's mouth,
Throughout the long, still autumn day
Wild birds are flying south.

Catherine Nesbitt forwards these vignettes as payback for all the dumb blonde jokes:

THESE ARE FOR THE LADIES

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Liverpool."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I´ll miss you...."

"It´s just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.

Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man; love to forgive him; and patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I´ll beat him to death.

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Barbara Wear sends this link as a relief from politics and terrorism, a surprise opera in an Italian school lunchroom:

Judith English forwards the URL for a site in which strangers make eye contact because of Pokemon Go:

Marilyn Magid sends this link to "the best cat video every made:"

Tom Telfer forwards this link to a video in which SpaceX founder and CEO Elon Musk revealed his plan for human exploration of Mars at the International Astronautical Congress in Mexico"

Tom also sends the URL for the Nederlands Opera´s flash mob in an Amsterdam department store performing an aria from Verdi´s opera La Traviata:

Tom also sends this link to a video of a dog show where talented, smart, and happy dogs and their trainer have a lot of fun fun:

The Aquaduct is a bike that cleans water as you pedal it. It is designed for the developing world, where women typically transport contaminated water and must boil it at home. This invention solves this problem, while saving wood and energy:

Mohammad Alaa Jaleel lives in Aleppo, Syria, where he looks after more than a hundred stray and abandoned cats:

This is the story of four rescued baby crows that were raised by a loving family. They learned to say "hello" and how to become independent. Eventually they were accepted by a family of wild crows. Even though they fly south each winter, they always return each spring to literally say hello to the family that saved them.

Laura Sumrall and her horse ´Wimpys Top Model´ wowed the crowd and won the World Championship Freestyle Reining title at the Kentucky Reining Cup 2015.

To walk through some of the world´s most beautiful gardens, click on

To check out the features of the "freedictionary," which changes daily, go to

Answer to Barbara Wear´s riddle for seniors: Quietly get off the merry-go-round and go home.