Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2017-35

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IN THIS ISSUE

This Heroic Story sounds distressingly current Carol Hansen corrects a story in last week´s Spinner Pat Moore remembers her mother-in-law´s tonic Tom Williamson admits that he is a senior citizen Here is a groaner about a military hospital Barbara Wear forwards the story of a robbery Sites are suggested by Barbara, Judith English, and Tom Telfer

The Sassy Texan wrote a story that was almost a forecast of the present disaster in Houston:

PRIVILEGED TO HELP

I want everyone to know how my small town reacted to help Hurricane Katrina survivors. We´re an hour outside Houston, three hours from Louisiana. When hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast in September 2005, we had no idea it would affect our community.

When Katrina hit, we sprang into action. Blood, food and clothing drives, and fundraisers ... all for people we´d never meet. Or so we thought.

Wednesday evening evacuees began to arrive. Hundreds of people arrived daily, with absolutely nothing. They spent everything they had getting here. Many stopped, simply because their gas tank was empty.

E-mails flew with assistance offers and volunteer opportunities. Our town fire department became command center for all relief efforts. Thursday afternoon I called. Ten minutes later I walked into the heart of our relief effort.

In two days, we helped several hundred people. Ninety percent needed money, food, clothing, household supplies, toiletries, medicine, jobs, gas, shelter, and help with pets. Yet their most devastating need was contacting people who stayed behind - they assumed close friends and family have died.

From the evacuees´ intake form, volunteers gathered a resource packet for the family. Then volunteers explained how to meet immediate needs for clothes, food, and gas. Our distribution center was close. I walked people outside, showed them the building, and they were relieved and hopeful, for the first time in days.

But we had people sick or injured pre-hurricane who needed medical attention: pregnant women, newborns, people in the lowest depths of depression. Our shelters needed hospital beds, always more cots.

Hardest for me was older men who broke down asking for help. I always explained that we´re neighbors, this is what neighbors do. They would do the same for us, and may have to one day.

Churches became shelters and established meal rotations to feed hundreds. The college allowed evacuees to late-register at in-state tuition rates, and considered scholarships. Bureaucracies turned out to have hearts inside.

Individuals distributed supplies, and offered homes. Local schools enrolled hundreds of students. The high school held a kids´ event with gifts, games, Snocones, and hot dogs. It may sound trivial, but these kids needed to be kids if only for moments.

I´d have invited these people to join our community permanently, but most just wanted to go home. I´m proud to have met such amazingly strong people, who added a lot to our community, if only temporarily.

The first night I spent hours entering names and needs into the RC database. I nearly cried over the constant needs - so many lacking so much. Then I picked up the intake form of an elderly couple. Like everyone else, they needed everything - everything you and I take for granted.

But out at the side she added, "We will pray for everyone and help any way we can." These people, with nothing, offered their help.

I´m glad so many in our town stepped up to help, but we were completely humbled by the courage and generous spirit of our guests.

ED. NOTE: There are undoubtedly many such scenes being played out around Houston right now, as they struggle with the devastation being caused by the tropical storm Harvey. Our thoughts and prayers are with them all.

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CORRESPONDENCE

Carol Hansen corrects one of the stories in last week´s issue,

THEY WALK AMONG US

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?" asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, ´Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?´"

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn´t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don´t know much about history."

ORIGINS: Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi has represented California´s Eighth District in the U.S. House of Representatives since 1987. From 2003 to 2007 she served as House Minority Leader, and after the Democratic Party gained a majority of House seats in the 2006 elections, she was elevated to the position of Speaker of the House. She is therefore a prominent figure in U.S. politics, a position that goes hand in hand with being the butt of a number of jokes.

The "which voyage around the world was Captain Cook´s last" joke long antedates Ms. Pelosi´s service in the U.S. Congress, as demonstrated by this printed version dating from 1962:

NOT SO BRIGHT

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a dinner party, and his hostess naturally broached the subject on which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, ´Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?´"

The hostess thought a moment. Then with a nervous laugh she said, "You wouldn´t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don´t know much about history."

The jape has been spread on the Internet since at least 2001, variously targeting redheads, blondes, Valley girls, and Scientologists. Non-specific versions of it have also appeared in joke books since at least the 1950s.

The joke can be rendered in forms other than its Captain Cook version:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function, and John took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect insanity in somebody who appears completely sane?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You give them a simple task which anyone should be able to complete with no trouble. If they make the wrong choice in completing the task, you have a good idea they´re not sane."

"What sort of task?"

"Well, you might present them with a bathtub that´s full of water and tell them they have to empty it. Then you give them a teaspoon, a coffee mug, and a mop bucket."

"Oh, I see!" John exclaimed. "If the guy´s crazy, he might try emptying the tub with the spoon or the coffee mug, but a sane person would use the mop bucket."

"Give me a call on Monday, John. I´d like to run a few additional tests." The doctor handed John his card. "A sane person would pull the plug."

Pat Moore remembers her mother-in-law´s

BEFORE-LUNCH TONIC

My mother-in-law was a very proper and strict Presbyterian, and in honour of her upbringing, was a very proud and regal lady. Therefore "drink" would never touch her lips - the saying of those days.

However, she had a housekeeper who was with her for years and was a faithful friend and caregiver as my mother-in-law developed Parkinson´s disease in her 40s. She also had a wicked sense of humour, and told my very strict mother-in-law that a concoction made from an old family recipe made from potatoes was good for the digestion and promoted good health. Every day, just before the main meal, which was always at noon, set in the main dining room, and dressed accordingly, she insisted my mother-in-law walk through the pantry to test the current batch to make sure it was doing well.

After dinner, Mother-in-law would have a long nap - which would also give the housekeeper a chance to have some free time.

I had heard of this long before marrying, but dinner at my home was always at night, so it was a long time before I was there for a dinner at noon.

I felt quite honoured to be invited to also attend the "testing" tradition and gladly tasted a glass of the potato medicine - and it nearly knocked me over! I am sure it was 90% proof! Needless to say, I needed a nap that afternoon too.

Tom Williamson admits that

YES, I´M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I´m the life of the party - even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I´m very good at opening childproof caps - with a hammer.

I´m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I´m smiling all the time, because I can´t hear a thing you´re saying.

I´m sure everything I can´t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I´m wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy, and that´s just my left leg; but I haven´t made my skin look like wallpaper or snake skin.

My ears, nose, tongue, or navel haven´t been pierced with metal rings.

I´m beginning to realize that ageing is not for wimps.

Yes, I´m a senior citizen, and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn´t send it back to them. Or maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway. They won´t remember, even if they did send it.

This groaner is about

A SCOTTISH MILITARY FIELD HOSPITAL

The new commander in Afganistan hears that a Scottish regiment has a specialized field hospital that's doing fantastic things with the troops. He wants to know what is so special about the place, so he arranges a tour.

When he gets to the ward, it's full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He's perplexed, so goes up to the first bed and greets the soldier there.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
"Great chieftain o the puddin race,
"Aboon them a ye take yer place,
"Painch, tripe or thairm,
"As langs my airm."

The general is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

That soldier responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
"And some wad eat that want it,
"But we hae meat an we can eat,
"So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the commander moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
"O the panic in thy breasty,
"Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
"Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, the general turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No, not at all," replies the doctor. "This is the Serious Burns unit."

Barbara Wear forwards the story of

THE KOHL´S SHOPPING TRIP

Clutching their Kohl´s shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit ... no flies, no smell.

"What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

"Come on, Ellen, let´s just go...."

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I´ll just put my things in your bag, and then I´ll use this tissue paper." She dumped her purchases into Kay´s bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl´s bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen´s burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay´s Chevy would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K&W Cafeteria. They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay´s car with the Kohl´s bag still on the trunk. But not for long!

As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl´s bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!"

Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she´d have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen´s eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.

Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl´s bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold. After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors ... the Kohl´s bag perched on her stomach!

SUGGESTED SITES

Barbara Wear sends this link to a video of the only non-military group invited to play at the Edinburgh Tattoo, the Swiss Drum Corps:

http://tinyurl.com/o6lfmn2

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Judith English reminds us of the old Wayne & Shuster show, "Star Schtick:"

http://tinyurl.com/y846ermu

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Tom Telfer forwards the URL for a video of a five-year-old Chinese girl hypnotising animals to sleep with her voice and her hands:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ehIf6AR6oQ

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Tom also sends this link to five historical misconceptions most of us believe, including Vikings´ horned helmets and Lady Godiva´s ride through Coventry:

http://tinyurl.com/7fg3w5c

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In this TED talk, Garry Kasparov, a world champion of chess competition, says that we should not fear intelligent machines, but learn to work with them:

http://tinyurl.com/y9v7fhma

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If you are wondering about the differences between Apple and Windows computers, this site will guide you:

http://tinyurl.com/ya56u36j