Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2018-24

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IN THIS ISSUE

• This Heroic Story proves that you can´t always rely on first impressions
• Shirley Conlon forwards this challenging quiz
• Catherine Nesbitt sends this sad obituary
• Barbara Wear shares this account of a bizarre murder-suicide evemt
• Carol Dilworth forwards a number of groaners
• Sites are suggested by Barbara Wear, Kate Brookfield, and Tom Telfer

Jennifer Schrader of Bowie, Maryland, writes in Heroic Stories about

TWO FLATS AND AN IMPRESSIVE SCAR

Recently I left work for a quick lunch, and on the way I noticed a car limping off the highway entrance ramp with its right two tires flat. I glanced at the driver on the way by. It was a woman, so my worries about safety lessened. I went back and pulled in front of her beat-up Cavalier, feeling pretty full of myself for being such a Good Samaritan. The car´s rims were clearly destroyed.

Though I´m a woman myself, I´m an engineer and tend to look down on women who do all the "feminine" things. I took one look and wrote her off as helpless and inept: she had long, wavy red hair, pulled back with a big clip. She had on a satiny blouse and black jeans with lace. She wore five-inch black heels. Her nails were done. "Sigh," I thought.

It took four hours to get her back on the road. In that time I learned many things.

She had nearly no money, but she didn´t complain and she didn´t throw expensive new wheels on her credit card. She picked up the phone in a strange town and started calling junkyards. While we drove she told me that she´d ruined her tires trying to get away from an eighteen wheeler that was merging into her, unaware she was there. She admitted she probably reacted strongly because fifteen years before, she´d been crushed by a truck and had spent seven years in a wheelchair.

We brought her poodle with us in the car, a sweet dog she had rescued from extreme abuse. She mentioned that she´d also had to learn to write right-handed late in life; she lost much use of her left arm when she was shot in a robbery. She rolled up her sleeve to show me an impressive scar.

When we got back to her car, she pulled on a pair of coveralls, yanked out a jack and lug wrench, and in her spiked high heels proceeded to kick the lug nuts loose. She said she did all her own work on her car. When we discovered the new wheels didn´t fit, she cried in frustration for about thirty seconds, and then we were off to get another set from another junkyard.

When she finally finished fixing her car, she took off her overalls, stripped off her plastic gloves, smiled at her hands and said, "It´s silly, but I really do hate to break a nail." The last I saw of her, she was heading back to the first junkyard to get her money back.

This woman who I´d written off so quickly was capable, spirited, resourceful, kind, and brave. I stood by while she worked magic, entirely helpless to do any more good to her than simply drive her around. She phoned me when she reached her destination to thank me and say she´d gotten there safely, and I wanted instead to thank her for how deeply she had inspired me.

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Shirley Conlon forwards this quiz:

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 60-YEAR-OLD?

1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don´t know, but he left this _________ behind" What did he leave behind?

2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ _________Show.

3. "Get your kicks, __ _______ _______."

4. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _______ _______ _______."

5. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ______ ______."

6. After the Twist, the Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____."

7. "Nestle´s makes the very best ________."

8. Satchmo was America ´s "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______ ________.

9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ______ _______.

10. Red Skeleton´s hobo character was named _______ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and _____ ______."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? _________ and ___________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about "the day the music died." This was a tribute to _____ ________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________.

15. One of the big fads of the late ´50s and ´60s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waists. It was called the _____ ______ .

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. "Hey kids! What time is it?" "It´s _____ ______ _____!"

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _______ knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the ´60s that was "a grave yard smash". Its name was "The ______ ______!"

20. Alka Seltzer used a boy with a tablet on his head as its logo/representative. What was the boy´s name?

ANSWERS:

1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet

2. The Ed Sullivan Show

3. On Route 66

4.To protect the innocent

5. The Lion Sleeps Tonight

6. The limbo

7. Chocolate

8. Louis Armstrong

9. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and "Good night and God bless."

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed.)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19. Monster Mash

20. Speedy

Catherine Nesbitt forwards this

SAD NEWS FROM MINNESOTA

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

Barbara Wear forwards this Associated Press story,

BETTER THAN AGATHA CHRISTIE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science (AAFS), President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. The story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building, intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple´s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son´s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn´t actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother´s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Carol Dilworth shares these groan-worthy

PUNS

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I´ll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don´t you know who I am? I am the King!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we´ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor´s surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I´m shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You´ll just have to be a little patient."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Barbara Wear sends this link to a site with photos of 14 special animals that you probably didn´t know exist:

Barbara also sends the URL for a video of a museum of items from the ´40s and ´50s, a walk through the past for seniors and a history lesson for young people:

Kate Brookfield forwards the URL for a Facebook video which shows how Fort Worth, Texas, is employing homeless people to clean its streets and to

rehabilitate them:

Tom Telfer sends this link to a video of Neil deGrasse Tyson discussing the possibility of other sentient creatures in space, and his worry that humans are too stupid for aliens to bother with:

Tom also forwards the URL for an impressive mind-reading duo on the Penn and Teller show:

This French village is revolutionizing the way Alzheimer´s is being treated:

In this TED talk, Caleb Barlow discusses cybercrime - its prevalence, and what we can do to avoid it:

From the Good News Network comes this story of a woman who ran to save a drowning boy and ended up saving his pregnant mother as well: