Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2018-49

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IN THIS ISSUE

• In this Heroic Story, David Wethington writes about a famous pilot
• Shirley Conlon forwards a tribute to Bob Hope
• Catherine Nesbitt sends a story about a lawyer and his cigars
• Irene Harvalias shows why it is frustrating to argue with children
• Betty Audet shares some one-liners from comedians
• Barbara Wear suggests a site to check out

David Wethington of Hawaii recalls a great pilot and teacher:

HE TAUGHT US TO FLY

During World War II, Jimmy Maris was an American bomber pilot based in England. He encountered horrors and fears beyond imagination. By flying and surviving his required number of missions, he joined what was called "The Lucky Bastard Club." Jimmy was especially lucky as the plane he flew - the "Bad Penny" - was lost on the very next mission, and everyone in the new crew was killed.

Rotated back to the United States, he spent the rest of the war as an instructor, and then earned a college degree under the GI Bill. Because he loved both flying and teaching, he went to work for Purdue University in its aviation department. Within a few years, Professor James Maris was head of the department of Aviation Technology at Purdue.

From the 1950s until his retirement in the 1980s, he often walked around campus, asked students if they had ever flown, and offered them a flight. This motivated many students to major in aviation. Professor Maris shared his enthusiasm for flying, but he couldn´t have known what an effect he would have on his students.

In the early 1990s, two professional aviators from Purdue started working together, and soon realized that Professor Maris had introduced them both to aviation. They went to their supervisor, who went to his supervisor, and arranged a surprise.

A few months later, Professor Maris received a phone call, asking him to pack for a warm-weather trip. On the appointed day, Professor Maris and his wife went to the Purdue airport to board a jet from NASA and fly to Cape Kennedy. The next day, he watched two of his former students lift off - as pilot and co-pilot of the space shuttle.

About a year after that, a major airline was preparing to take one of its older 727 jets out of service. One vice president of the airline suggested donating the airplane to an educational institution. This vice president, like many others, started his aviation career because of Professor Maris. He suggested that Purdue´s Aviation Technology department might use the plane for educational purposes. Purdue´s president accepted the offer.

A crowd gathered at the Purdue airport a few weeks later. The Purdue band, the press, and dignitaries of all kinds were there. So was the president of the university, waiting to receive the keys to the plane and give a speech. Professor Maris was there, too.

The 727 appeared in the skies, entered a flight pattern and landed. The plane taxied up to the crowd with the band playing and cameras rolling. The pilot was supposed to give the keys to the president of Purdue. Instead, he gave them to Professor Maris and thanked him for introducing him to aviation. The pilot´s name was Neil Armstrong.

James Maris, who missed death by one flight in World War II, had created astronauts! I was so very fortunate to study under him in college: it was an honour and a privilege I will cherish forever.

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Shirley Conlon sends this tribute to the memory of

BOB HOPE

On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. His answer was, "Surprise me."

If you remember Bob Hope you´ll really enjoy these quotes:

ON TURNING 70: "I still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That´s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you´re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: "I don´t feel old. In fact, I don´t feel anything until noon. Then it´s time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referees kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it´s called at my home, ´Passover.´"

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ´Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham.´"

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY"S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That´s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn´t for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I´ve done benefits for ALL religions. I´d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Catherine Nesbitt forwards this story about

LAWYERS AND CIGARS

A lawyer in Charlotte, North Carolina, purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the "fires."

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won first place in that year´s Criminal Lawyers Award.

Irene Harvalias forwards these

SIX REASONS NOT TO ARGUE WITH A CHILD

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child´s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I´m drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma´s hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ´There´s Jennifer, she´s a lawyer,´ or ´That´s Michael. He´s a doctor.´" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there´s the teacher. She´s dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn´t run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "´Cause your feet ain´t empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Betty Audet forwards these

COMEDIANS´ ONE-LINERS

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog´s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin

I´m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

I´m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

I voted for the Republicans because I didn´t like the way the Democrats were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. - Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it´s man´s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there´s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren´t afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it´s you. - Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you´ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn´t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin

SUGGESTED SITES

Barbara Wear forwards this link to a video of what could happen if you are in an accident where there are downed power lines:

This flash mob in Budapest ends with a mob of people dancing a tango:

In this TED talk from Victoria, Bob McDonald, the host of Quirks and Quarks, asks if what everything we know is wrong:

Thousands take part in "The People´s Walk for Wildlife," calling for an end to the "war on wildlife" in the UK: